REPUBLICAN PARTY VOTES TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO CHRISTIAN PARTY

by R J Shulman

 

NAZERETH, Pennsylvania – (PTSD News Service) – Emerging from a secret meeting held in this small northeastern Pennsylvania town, four miles north of Bethlehem, Republican leaders announced they have officially changed their name to the Christian Party.  This comes just days after the GOP announced the most regressive platform since Genghis Khan imposed his rule on the Mesopotamians, when he sacked Baghdad in 1258. 

 

“We felt that this election is clearly between the Christians, led by Romney and the Muslims led by Obama,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.  He said that the name Christian Party was much more honest and truthful that what the liberals are doing by calling their party “Democrat” without following it with the word “Socialist.”  “Although you can’t have a Democrat without a rat in it,” Priebus quipped.

 

“We will urge all patriotic American Christians to join our crusade against the foreign invaders, whether their name is Obama or Sanchez who have been pouring into our borders like the Moors did to England before Christ was born,” said former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who is expected to play an increased role in the newly minted Christian Party.  We’ll just have to sharpen our loins into swords and make sure our ploughshares are invested wisely,” she said.

 

The great news about this change,” said former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, “is that we don’t have to change our name from the GOP.  Now it will stand for God’s Own Party.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GOP CONVENTION CALLED OFF DUE TO WEATHER; NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE

by R J Shulman

 

TAMPA – (PTSD News Service) – Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn and GOP leaders have announced that due to approaching Tropical Storm Isaac, the GOP Convention has been cancelled.  “Everyone knows that regardless of the issues that face America such as Obama’s destruction of Bush’s stellar economy, the war that is needed in Iran, the personal rights of the conceived up until birth or candidate likeability, it’s simply Mitt’s turn,” said Wilson Coburn, a senior Republican policy maker, “so having a convention just to honor Mitt’s turn would be a bit redundant.”  Coburn said the GOP would have a better use for the convention money and use it “to bring the truth to the American people with a blitzkrieg of ads that Obama and the Democrat party are the remainder of the National Socialists or Nazis who survived Hitler’s bunker who now want to use the UN and Muslims to take guns, bibles and women away from white Christian men in America.  We will show why a thousand years of Republican administrations following the Romney/Ryan plan in lockstep is the final solution to the terrorist problem.”

 

Republicans seem to agree with Coeburn that the Republican Convention will not be missed.  Floyd C. Dunks, a registered Republican from Bittertown, Pennsylvania said, “All I know is that we as real Americans have the common goal to defeat the Muslim who occupies the White House before he sends all the white people out to pick cotton and don’t  need no convention to tell us that.”  “Frankly, even as a staunch Republican, I am glad the Convention is kaput,” said Claude W. Bonewhite of Hazard, Kentucky, “I’d rather that the storm called Isaac preempt the convention than have the convention preempt my reality shows.”

 

Not every conservative believes the convention should be cancelled.  Embattled Senatorial candidate Todd Aiken, of Missouri said the GOP convention should be held on schedule and not worry about a violent, legitimate storm because, “the Republican governing body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.”

 

Reverend Franklin Graham had a different view, blaming the coming storm on God’s anger regarding gay marriage.   When asked why the creator would punish Republicans who despise gays and not send Isaac into the heart of gay-loving Democrats at their convention in Charlotte, North Carolina, Graham said, “God works in mysterious ways.”

 

BAIN GROUP BUYS USA, NAMES ROMNEY PRESIDENT, ANNOUNCES DEEP CUTS

by R J Shulman

BOSTON – (PTSD News Service) - Bain Capital announced today that its newly formed venture   capital group, Sore Losers Untied Takeover or SLUT, has gained control of the United States in a hostile takeover.  SLUT, made up of Bain, Koch Industries, Citigroup and Goldman Sachs were able to purchase America due to its massive debt and inability of upper management to get anything done. 

“We plan to pay off the  debt with Social Security and the money saved by ending Medicare, the Departments of Education, Health, Education and well, well everything else except the Department of Defense which will be strengthened,” said newly appointed Vice President, Paul Ryan.  Romney dismissed President Barak Obama and his entire staff with letters that were issued early this morning.  “There was so much pink around the White House you would have thought it was a breast cancer  survivor convention,” Romney quipped, “but in this case no one survived.”

“We cannot have an organization going in two different directions,” said Lloyd Blankfein, Chairman of Goldman Sachs and new Treasury Secretary, “so we have let go of all Democrats, independents, and lost moderate Republicans.”  “Mitt’s a hit already,” said Citigroup Chairman Michael O’Neil, who will be Romney’s chief economic advisor, “with all of the remaining restrictive Communist banking regulations soon to be removed, banks will become the goldmines that God intended them to be.”

David Koch, the new Secretary of the Interior said that he was delighted that all of the changes he has been fighting valiantly for will soon come to fruition. “Now that the socialist criminal restrictions on hydraulic fracturing have been removed, there will be so much frickin’ fracking that Al Franken will fracture into a million frickin’ Franken fragments,” Koch said.

We will run the good ol’ USA like a business,” Romney said, “and if  it fails we promise no more taxpayer bailouts.  Instead, we’ll sell it for scrap to the Chinese.  And don’t nobody ask me to show what taxes I’ll be paying on that deal,” Romney chuckled.