TRUMP SIGNS DIRECTIVE TO SEND HIS HARASSMENT ACCUSERS TO THE MOON
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) Declaring he’s striking a blow for freedom, Donald Trump ordered NASA to begin a new moon landing mission.  “I want to give the lying ladies a chance to redeem themselves by being the first to colonize the moon for America,” Trump said.  Trump noted that he got the idea after watching an episode of the old TV show, the Honeymooners. “It just sends me into outer space when Ralph Kramden says ‘to the moon, Alice,’” Trump said.

TRUMP TO TEST VOTER THEORY BY SHOOTING SOMEONE ON FIFTH AVENUE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Claiming the so-called fake news Russian scandal has not hurt his popularity one bit, Donald Trump plans to test his theory that “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and I wouldn’t lose voters.”
Trump plans to travel to New York City on Tuesday, stand in front of Trump Tower on 5th Avenue and 57th Street and shoot somebody.  Trump hasn’t disclosed who that somebody will be, but a senior White House spokesman said he may have heard the name “Flynn.”

TIME TO NAME OBAMA PERSON OF THE YEAR JUST TO PISS OFF TRUMP
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Time Magazine will name Barack Obama as Person of the Year.  “We believe that the former president has acted with dignity and grace as his oafish successor has tried to erase his legacy,” a Time spokeswoman said, “besides when Trump sees the cover he’ll crap his pants.”  The spokeswoman also said seeing Obama on Time’s cover will remind Americans of what it was like to have hope.

President Obama had no comment, but a former member of his staff said he wished he could be back at the White House to witness the “mother of all tantrums.”

Time will make their official announcement on December 6th.

ELEPHANTS LIFT BAN ON IMPORTS OF TRUMP HUNTING TROPHIES
by R J Shulman

CELESTVILLE – (PTSD News Service) Babar, King of the Elephants announced that he is overturning the ban on importing body parts collected by Trump hunters.  This triggered protests from conservative groups and a frenzy on social media from opponents who posted pictures of Babar’s sons posing with the cut off orange hair of a Trump.

“I am shocked and outraged,” said Sean Hannity, President of the Trump Preservation Society, “The American white male tyrannical ego maniacal racist pussy grabber is an endangered species and the lifting of this ban is nothing short of a call for an open season of Trump hunting.”

Advocates for Trump hunting contend that overturning the ban can help preserve wildlife if not save the entire planet.  “I would be proud to have a Trump mounted on the wall,” said Prince Barbar, Jr., “maybe an Eric ear, a Donald rump or a Kushner tush will do.”

*satire alert*
AS DISTRACTION FROM RUSSIAN WOES, TRUMP NEARING DECISION ON WHETHER TO DECLARE WAR ON IRAN OR NORTH KOREA
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – As the investigation into the Trump campaign’s possible collusion with Russia to win the 2016 presidential election closes in, Donald Trump has a decision to make – should he go to war with Iran or North Korea.  “While North Korea has nasty nukes and a fun little tyrant for Trump to make fun of,” said a high level advisor in the Trump Administration who asked to remain anonymous, “Donald kind of admires Kim Jong Un’s ability to totally control his country, while the problem with Iran is that even though it is full of Muslims he would love to bomb, Trump doesn’t know if the leader of Iran can be made fun of or even who he is.”
When asked who he was going to attack,Trump said, “You’ll just have to wait and see.” Sources close to Trump say he will make his decision by Thanksgiving.

TRUMP SAYS ATTACK ON GOLD STAR WIDOW IS ANOTHER VICTORY IN THE WAR ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON- (PTSD News Service) – Tweeting that there is just too much damn political correctness that is keeping America from being great again, Donald Trump announced a new stepped-up campaign against being restricted by peer pressure, liberal special interest groups and just plain good taste from being able to tell the truth.  “If I want to call a spade a spade or a lazy welfare cheating flag kneeling thug, I should be able to,” Trump said.
      Claiming a blow for free speech, Trump issued an executive order de-criminalizing hate speech, “except for bad words about me,” Trump said, “and anyone who says negative stuff about me will see fire and fury like the world has never seen before.”  Trump explained that other than saying bad things about Russia or even mentioning climate change, criticizing everything else is on the table, even apple pie.
     Trump laid out that his war on political correctness will include:
     Feeding prime rib from a sacred cow to the prime minister of India
     Changing February from black history month to plantation owner month because you can’t have just one side hog an entire month
     Withhold federal funds to any schools that refuse to teach “barefoot and pregnant” as part of woman’s studies courses
     Discontinue aid to Puerto Rico because the people who live there knew what they were signing up for when they chose to live where hurricanes happen
     Close Holocaust museums because it’s about time that people realize that some good Germans died too
     Allow hotels and golf courses to be built on sacred Indian land, because those people have had that land long enough.

SATIRE ALERT*

BETSY DE VOS DISMANTLES DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, DECLARES THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH LEARNING IN PUBLIC EDUCATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) -  US Secretary of Education Betsy De Vos announced that she will make major cuts to public education. “I was shocked to learn that teachers were in favor of teaching facts and even worse, critical thinking to the masses and we just can’t have that,” De Vos told Fox News. “It was my understanding they were teaching the children of those people trades, you know stuff like how to be maids, golf caddies, errand boys, or how to fix my Mercedes Benz.”

“I blame this on the teachers’ unions and the brain washing going on at the hands of subversive left-wing college professors,” said De Vos. “We’re looking at closing down those institutions that have adopted such liberal admission policies as to let just anyone attend.”

De Vos, who has been a champion of vouchers and charter schools, explained that her support of school choice has been misunderstood. “When I advocate school choice, what I mean is that those people should be able to choose whether to go to school at all as they might be better served to go straight to employment at Walmart and McDonald's,” said De Vos. “Just think of all the tax cuts we can give the deserving if we don’t have to waste money trying to fill the heads of the undeserving with socialistic propaganda,” De Vos said.  

*This Post Times Sun Dispatch or PTSD News Report is not real news, fake news or even Fox News, but is presented as a service to assist those trying to keep their sanity in this age of bullies, liars, con-men, thieves, ego maniacs, mean bastards, greedy bastards, hedonistic sexual predators, narcissists, misanthropes, miscreants, sociopaths, psychopaths, racists, misogynists, war mongers, Nazis, fascists, climate change deniers, health care deniers, idiots, cretins, imbeciles, morons, fucking morons, dotards, asshats and just plain bastards, and that’s just the guy in the White House, not to mention Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz and the rest of the wholly oligarch-owned Republicans and the hate talk radio echo chamber of horrors and other colluding anti-democratic, anti-American fools who think that rich white males simply don’t have enough money or privilege.