*satire alert*
AS DISTRACTION FROM RUSSIAN WOES, TRUMP NEARING DECISION ON WHETHER TO DECLARE WAR ON IRAN OR NORTH KOREA
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – As the investigation into the Trump campaign’s possible collusion with Russia to win the 2016 presidential election closes in, Donald Trump has a decision to make – should he go to war with Iran or North Korea.  “While North Korea has nasty nukes and a fun little tyrant for Trump to make fun of,” said a high level advisor in the Trump Administration who asked to remain anonymous, “Donald kind of admires Kim Jong Un’s ability to totally control his country, while the problem with Iran is that even though it is full of Muslims he would love to bomb, Trump doesn’t know if the leader of Iran can be made fun of or even who he is.”
When asked who he was going to attack,Trump said, “You’ll just have to wait and see.” Sources close to Trump say he will make his decision by Thanksgiving.

TRUMP SAYS ATTACK ON GOLD STAR WIDOW IS ANOTHER VICTORY IN THE WAR ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON- (PTSD News Service) – Tweeting that there is just too much damn political correctness that is keeping America from being great again, Donald Trump announced a new stepped-up campaign against being restricted by peer pressure, liberal special interest groups and just plain good taste from being able to tell the truth.  “If I want to call a spade a spade or a lazy welfare cheating flag kneeling thug, I should be able to,” Trump said.
      Claiming a blow for free speech, Trump issued an executive order de-criminalizing hate speech, “except for bad words about me,” Trump said, “and anyone who says negative stuff about me will see fire and fury like the world has never seen before.”  Trump explained that other than saying bad things about Russia or even mentioning climate change, criticizing everything else is on the table, even apple pie.
     Trump laid out that his war on political correctness will include:
     Feeding prime rib from a sacred cow to the prime minister of India
     Changing February from black history month to plantation owner month because you can’t have just one side hog an entire month
     Withhold federal funds to any schools that refuse to teach “barefoot and pregnant” as part of woman’s studies courses
     Discontinue aid to Puerto Rico because the people who live there knew what they were signing up for when they chose to live where hurricanes happen
     Close Holocaust museums because it’s about time that people realize that some good Germans died too
     Allow hotels and golf courses to be built on sacred Indian land, because those people have had that land long enough.

SATIRE ALERT*

BETSY DE VOS DISMANTLES DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, DECLARES THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH LEARNING IN PUBLIC EDUCATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) -  US Secretary of Education Betsy De Vos announced that she will make major cuts to public education. “I was shocked to learn that teachers were in favor of teaching facts and even worse, critical thinking to the masses and we just can’t have that,” De Vos told Fox News. “It was my understanding they were teaching the children of those people trades, you know stuff like how to be maids, golf caddies, errand boys, or how to fix my Mercedes Benz.”

“I blame this on the teachers’ unions and the brain washing going on at the hands of subversive left-wing college professors,” said De Vos. “We’re looking at closing down those institutions that have adopted such liberal admission policies as to let just anyone attend.”

De Vos, who has been a champion of vouchers and charter schools, explained that her support of school choice has been misunderstood. “When I advocate school choice, what I mean is that those people should be able to choose whether to go to school at all as they might be better served to go straight to employment at Walmart and McDonald's,” said De Vos. “Just think of all the tax cuts we can give the deserving if we don’t have to waste money trying to fill the heads of the undeserving with socialistic propaganda,” De Vos said.  

*This Post Times Sun Dispatch or PTSD News Report is not real news, fake news or even Fox News, but is presented as a service to assist those trying to keep their sanity in this age of bullies, liars, con-men, thieves, ego maniacs, mean bastards, greedy bastards, hedonistic sexual predators, narcissists, misanthropes, miscreants, sociopaths, psychopaths, racists, misogynists, war mongers, Nazis, fascists, climate change deniers, health care deniers, idiots, cretins, imbeciles, morons, fucking morons, dotards, asshats and just plain bastards, and that’s just the guy in the White House, not to mention Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz and the rest of the wholly oligarch-owned Republicans and the hate talk radio echo chamber of horrors and other colluding anti-democratic, anti-American fools who think that rich white males simply don’t have enough money or privilege.

SATIRE ALERT*

TRUMP DETERMINED TO OBLITERATE OBAMA’S LEGACY EVEN IF IT OBLITERATES THE PLANET

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – He doesn’t just want to reverse his predecessor’s accomplishments, Donald Trump is out to erase Barack Obama from history.  “Today, I signed an executive order to kill Obamacare and if millions of Americans die because they now won’t be able to get health care, that is just collateral damage just like the millions who will die because I pulled out of the Paris Accord and the Iran Nuclear deal because reversing Obama is more important than life itself,” Trump said.

Trump then laid out some of the steps he will take to neutralize Obama:

·       * I will burn down the White House and have it rebuilt by unpaid Polish workers so no one will ever be able to sleep in the house that Obama did.

·       *I will issue an executive order retroactively declaring that Hawaii was never a part of the United States so if it turns out that Obama was not born in Kenya, his birth in Hawaii would still make him ineligible to be a US president.

·       *  I will certify that a recount has determined that McCain and Romney won the elections of 2004 and 2008 making them president and not the other guy.

·        * I will outlaw the use of the letters “O” “B” “A” and “M” so no one can ever spell the name of you know who.

Trump ended by writing, “t*ke th*t, y*u *itches.”

*This Post Times Sun Dispatch or PTSD News Report is not real news, fake news or even Fox News, but is presented as a service to assist those trying to keep their sanity in this age of bullies, liars, con-men, thieves, ego maniacs, mean bastards, greedy bastards, hedonistic sexual predators, narcissists, misanthropes, miscreants, sociopaths, psychopaths, racists, misogynists, war mongers, Nazis, fascists, climate change deniers, health care deniers, idiots, cretins, imbeciles, morons, fucking morons, dotards, asshats and just plain bastards, and that’s just the guy in the White House, not to mention Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz and the rest of the wholly oligarch-owned Republicans and the hate talk radio echo chamber of horrors and other colluding anti-democratic, anti-American fools who think that rich white males simply don’t have enough money or privilege.

TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER RETURNING PUERTO RICO TO SPAIN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump signed an executive order he called “the Puerto Rico Traditional Heritage Repatriation Act,” returning Puerto Rico to Spain and stripping Puerto Ricans of their US Citizenship.  “Who knew there was a part of the United States full of people who don’t speak English?” Trump said, “but one of the wonderful things that came from the hurricane is that now we know there is an island completely surrounded by water that you can’t drive trucks to with boat loads of people who claim to be Americans but don’t look or sound like real ones.”

“I am calling home those US personnel and aid workers from continuing the best storm response in the history of the universe,” Trump said. “because it is not my fault that those people chose to live in the path of a huge storm.”

“Any place where my golf course would go bankrupt does not speak well for those people and speaking of not speaking well, how could Obama allow all those so-called Americans on that island speak Spanish?  Robert Mueller should be investigating that instead of looking at all the fake news about my ties to Russia.  I’d say more, but I owe Vladimir a call and he gets cranky if I’m late.”  

TRUMP TAPS WEINSTEIN AND COSBY TO HEAD NEW COUNCIL ON WOMEN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a move he touted as both bipartisan and pro-diversity, Donald Trump named Democratic Party donor Harvey Weinstein and African American comedian Bill Cosby as co-directors of the Feminine National Defense League, or FNDL, (pronounced fon-dle) a new government commission on women’s affairs.  “The chicks will see that I’m not anti-broad now that I have given the OK to FNDL,” Trump tweeted. “In fact, I may be so inclusive as to date dames who are not quite tens, and what better way for ugly girls to aspire to improve their looks so that they can date me than to get help from Harvey and Bill, two gentlemen whose vast knowledge and huge hands-on experience about babes is nothing short of touching.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “this bold move by the president should grab everyone’s attention and put to bed all the fake news that the president disrespects the weaker sex.”

“This latest callous act by the misogynistic moron in the White House has left even me groping for words,” said attorney Gloria Allred, who has represented women who have alleged sexual abuse, “Trump’s brazen and unprecedented behavior is another reason he should be un-presidented ASAP.”