TOP TEN REASONS AIG MUST GIVE OUT EXECUTIVE BONUSES

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK (PTSD News) Teetering insurance giant AIG has defended its plan to pay over $170 million in executive bonuses saying they are contractually obligated to do so. AIG’s announcement that they are going ahead with executive bonuses has caused great public outrage as AIG has been bailed out with billons of dollars of tax payers’ money.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of AIG executive employment contracts. Each of the contracts guarantees a top executive a bonus if they meet at least two of the following criteria:

1. Believe they should get a bonus
2. Their heart rate exceeds twenty beats per minute
3. They gambled only some of their client’s funds on the NCAA tournament
4. They did not personally lose more money that the total GNP of the known universe
5. They believe welfare mothers are free loaders who should be cut off from the pubic trough.
6. They sold more than half of their immortal soul
7. They laughed along with the Enron traders who chuckled over the thought of grandmothers having to pay more for their electric bills
8. They put their pants on one leg at a time
9. They are more mammalian than reptilian (no executive qualified for this one)
10. Can make a deposit into their bank account.

“I am outraged that AIG has such bogus bonus clauses in their employment contracts. Their lawyers should all be fired,” said President Obama. However, AIG’s lawyers apparently cannot be fired according to their own contracts, and in addition are slated to receive the biggest bonuses of all. “These bonuses were clearly earned,” said Rush Limbaugh, “all of this liberal crying is just another example of Obama’s terrorist war on the rich and deserving.”

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