900 POUND ILLITERATE STUDENT GRANTED PHD BECAUSE HE WAS “TOO BIG TO FAIL”
by R J Shulman
MADISON, Wisconsin (PTSD News) - The University of Wisconsin has stirred up controversy with its award of a PhD in Literature to Rod Gurver, a 25 year old who reads and writes at a first grade level. “If AIG and General Motors were too big to fail and had to be bailed out by the taxpayer,” said Dean Harold Markham, “then a nine hundred pound student is certainly too big fail.” “It doesn’t matter that Mr. Gurver is just plain lazy and has never bothered to learn to read and write,” Markham said, “but failure of such a large part of the University of Wisconsin student body would wreak havoc on our campus.”

Granting a coveted degree to Gurver is part of a new trend of preventing the failure of things that are very big. “It follows that after the success of rescuing the large financial institutions and huge corporations,” said Wayne C. Struthers author of Guaranteed Success - How to Become Too Big To Fail, “that anything that is perceived as very big will be given special consideration.” The “saving big thing” trend seems to be branching out into different parts of society as Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig just declared the New York Yankees winners of the 2009 World Series. “The Yanks are the new champs because with their massive player payroll, they would be just too big to fail,” Selig said.

However, not everyone believes in the too big to fail theory. “I don’t care if he is the leader of the free world,” said Rush Limbaugh, “I want Obama to fail.” “If bigness is a guarantee of being saved,” said Devon Washburn as spokesman for President Obama, “than unfortunately, Mr. Limbaugh has nothing to fear as there is nothing bigger than his ego.”

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