AFTER RE-ORG, GM WILL NOT MAKE CARS, BUT CAR DERIVATIVES
By R J Shulman
DETROIT – (PTSD News) – Giant troubled US automaker General Motors announced today that when they emerge from bankruptcy, they will not longer be in the car manufacturing business but will concentrate on the car derivative market. “We will specialize in bundling some exciting new products such as car exhaust futures, projected undercoating sales, and debt of car warranty extension companies,” said GM CEO Fritz Henderson.

Bankruptcy expert Clement Faust said the thinks this is an excellent plan. “Everybody knows you just can’t manufacture anything in the US any more, unless you are manufacturing wealth based upon creative financing schemes that no one has figured out yet. With this new plan, GM will once again become a darling of Wall Street.” GM plans to hire out of work former executive of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers and AIG to head up the new post-bankruptcy company. “We are going to be leaner and meaner,” said Henderson. “Mostly meaner.”

The new GM will be 60% owned by American taxpayers. “Don’t worry, this is not a move toward Communism” said Bob Bronswell, a GM executive, “we are only socializing the losses, but keeping good old free market profits private.”

The success of the new company will be based upon dumping unnecessary expenses such as worker benefits and salaries. “There is a very difficult road ahead for General Motors,” Henderson said, “as the first major challenge facing us will be finding a way to be to be able to meet executive bonuses.”

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