TRUMP PARDONS ASSOCIATES, FAMILY, AND SELF AND DECLARES HIMSELF A SAINT

by R J Shulman

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pennsylvania (PTSD News Service) -  At a rally of his cheering supporters in this suburb northwest of Philadelphia, President Trump announced today that he was pardoning all of his associates, his family members and himself from any crimes, “imagined by the fake news witch hunters, shameful partisans and other losers.  Believe me, this huge pardon extends to anything at all including any future crime that I or anyone loyal to me could possibly be accused of in the future, but any pardon I may have given to Jeff Sessions, James Comey or Wikileaks is hereby taken back.”

The President also said that he granted sainthood to himself saying, “since I am the commander in chief and in charge of all the cannons, then it only makes sense that I can canonize myself and besides, where in the Constitution does it say someone has to be dead to become a saint or say a president needs a rabbi to declare him a saint?”

The President said that he took the steps to pardon himself and declare himself a saint to keep his main campaign promise to “Make Trump Great Again.”