Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch

2012-02-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

SUPREME COURT RULES THAT CORPORATIONS AS PEOPLE GET THERIGHT TO VOTE

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The US Supreme Court, ina 5-4 decision ruled that corporations as people are entitled to the right tovote. Chief Justice John Robertsspeaking for the majority said, “It is unconscionable in this day and age thata person can be denied the right to vote in the original democracy with a Constitutionthat provides that all are created equal.”

The Court’s decision in Occupyv. United Citizens, a case primarily about whether members of OccupyOakland had a right to buy groceries at a nearby 7-11, also held that sincecorporations’ voting rights have been denied for so long, that the states hadto make it especially easy for corporations to vote by allowing them threeweeks to vote. In addition, under Occupy, the Court held that acorporation is entitled to one vote per share.

Writing for the minority, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “Aftera careful and studious analysis of the majority opinion, I have absolutely and withcertainty come to the conclusion that this Court had gone batshit crazy.”

2012-01-31T19:10:00.000-07:00

AFTER FLORIDA LOSS, GINGRICH SAY HE WASN’T REALLY ACANDIDATE, BUT A HISTORIAN

by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – Newt Gingrichtold his supporters not to lose heart after his loss to Mitt Romney in theFlorida primary, because unlike Romney who is a political candidate, he issimply a historian offering advice to the Republican Party. “Frankly, it’s amazing that a mere historian couldfrankly have such a strong showing against a career politician, like Romney.” Gingrich said he is looking forward to Marchbecause he believes that some southern states that are holding primaries suchas Georgia and Mississippi may have a better understanding of why a historianis better than a politician.

Gingrich attributed his strong showing with Floridaevangelicals to the fact that, “frankly, they know that not only have I askedJesus for forgiveness for anything untoward I may have done in the past, but Ihave already asked Jesus to forgive me for anything bad I may do in the future.”

2012-01-30T19:40:00.001-07:00

CHENEY COMMISSION TO SEARCH FOR SUITABLE CANDIDATE RELEASESRESULTS: I CHOOSE MYSELF

by R J Shulman

BUNKER FALLS, Wyoming – (PTSD News Service) – With the Republicannominating process breaking down like a typical day in the US Congress, top RepublicanParty officials tapped former Vice President Dick Cheney to lead a committee tochoose a presidential candidate to defeat President Obama in 2012. Late today, Dick Cheney announced theresults of his comprehensive study saying, “After a thorough review of 34possible candidates, I have come to the unanimous decision that the best candidateis me.” Cheney explained that hepossessed the experience, the intestinal fortitude and the ability to maketough decisions regardless of whether the action is popular, legal or evenhuman.

Cheney said he accepted the challenge to find a newcandidate this late in the game because in his words, “the Republicanelectorate is so brainless that they have given us a choice between Mr. Seedyand Mr. Greedy. I can’t wait until weRepublicans pass such restrictive voting laws that make it so hard to vote thatnone of these ass clowns are able to cast a ballot. Cheney said that “Palin,Cain, Perry, Santorum, Bachmann and especially Gingrich and Romney should notonly be barred from entering Washington, but be immediately shipped to Gitmo.”

Cheney concluded by saying, “I can beat Obama, I can reallybeat Obama, especially with the vast variety of the nasty torture tools I haveat my disposal.”

2012-01-29T11:35:00.001-07:00

FOX PLANS BARRAGE OF BARAK BASHING NEWS SPECIALS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatchhas learned that Fox News is planning to air a series of special news reportsthat take aim at President Barack Obama and the Democrats. While the detailsare sparse, the secret memo obtained by the PTSD from Fox News President RogerAiles lists a dozen news reports now in production.

MEMORANDUM

From: Roger Ailes

To: RushLimbaugh and the Echo Chamber

Date: Almost too late

Thankyou for your efforts to make the Kenyan usurper a one term president. Due to the GOP candidates going at each otherlike they were Democrats, we have to step up our efforts to turn the WhiteHouse white again. This is to give you aheads up on the “dirty dozen” specials we will be running. If you have any material to add, pleasecontact me. Remember, the truth is ourenemy and hatred is our guide.

1. Can Voting For Obama TurnYou Gay? - The startling results from acomprehensive Liberty University study.

2. Is Obama Really Osama Bin Laden? – Have youever seen Obama and Osama in the same room?

3. How Affirmative Action ThugsProduce False Documents – How community organizers turned gang members are ableto create false Hawaiian birth certificates

4. What Obama Has PromisedIllegal Aliens For Their Vote – It’s not what you think, but you should lock upyour wives and daughters.

5. Would Jesus Forgive Obama? –The ultimate test of Christ’s compassion.

6. How Four More Years Of AMuslim President Will Destroy America – It’s not what you think but you should hangon to your bibles and guns.

7. Do You Know What ‘BarakObama’ Means in Kenyan” – We won’t give this away, but it rhymes with BadolphBitler.

8. Why Being A Community OrganizersIs More Anti-American And Anti-Christian Than Cheating On A Few Wives orLaundering Money In The Cayman Islands And Swiss Banks – The title may beshortened if a GOP candidate is actually chosen.

9. Is Your Name On Obama’sDeath Panel List? – To find out, submit your name, ssn, bank routing and accountnumber to www.foxsuperpac.com.

10. Is Obama Planning To BoostThe Economy By Using White Slaves? – The surprising answer and why you need tolearn how to rap to a hep beat, step-up your basketball game, and learn that abitch is not a female dog and a ho is not a garden tool.

11. How Obama Plans To DestroyYour Marriage – It’s not what you think, but hang on to your wives anddaughters and bibles and guns and Viagra and stack of Hustler magazines.

12. Is Voting For Democrats ASure Sign Of Mental Illness, Being A Marxist Socialist Nazi, Betraying The BabyJesus or All Three – New Heritage Foundation Study Reveals The SurprisingAnswer.

2012-01-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

ROMNEY: I UNDERSTAND THE COMMON MAN

By R J Shulman

JUPITER, Florida - (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to counter the recent claims that he is out of touch with 99% of Americans, Mitt Romney told a small crowd at Hockney’s Hot Cars that he was just like them. Dressed in a brand new pair of Dussault Apparel’s Trashed Denim $250,000 jeans, and a $100,000 pink jacket over a $3,500 Hawaiin shirt, Romney said, “My valet puts my pants on me one leg at a time, just like you do. Sometimes when I am on one of my yachts, I watch the same football games as you do. My chauffer drives me down the same highways as you drive.”
Romney told the crowd that “I am no stranger to factories. I have been in many. OK, so you were there to work and make something, while I as there to see if I could suck the wealth out of it, but that’s just a little detail and not a real difference between you an me. When it comes time for you to vote, don’t let a man who was born into the privilege of affirmative action in Kenya try and convince you he knows anything about achieving greatness through hard work.”
Romney ended his appearance by asking for support, urging his audience to “vote for me and I will show you how life can be an enriching and rewarding experience and who better than I to know all about being enriched and rewarded.”

2012-01-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

GOP ANSWERS OBAMA’S STATE OF THE UNION WITH THEIR STATE OFTHE CONFEDERACY RESPONSE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) Indiana Governor MitchDaniels gave the Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Unionspeech. Calling it the State of the Confederacyin honor of a GOP planned Southern History Month, Daniels called on Americansto “reject the divisionary politics of the Obama administration which seeks to pitthe races and rich and poor against each other as the Kenyan born socialist andhis thugs attempt to build a dependent nation of uppity welfare queens, gangsof midnight basketball players and lazy food stamp freeloaders who steal moneyfrom the people who have worked so hard to inherit their wealth.”

“This year is an opportunity for Republicans to complete theagenda we started with President Reagan to remove all taxes and all regulationswhich are financially crushing to Corporations, CEOs, bank executives and thetop Wall Street financiers and preventing these job creating job creators from creatingjobs. Why I know of one hedge fundmanager who would have hired an additional maid if he didn’t have to pay taxes.”

Daniels said, “America must look to the energy jobs of thefuture, like building oil pipelines, nuclear power plants and fracking for oiland gas and stripping mountains for coal instead of Obama’s failed plans forsolar energy, wind power and other so called doomed alternative energy schemes.”

“Most important of all,” Daniels said, “we need to return tothe greatness of the time of American exceptionalism, where Negros were in thefields, women were in the kitchen, gays were in the closet and the poor were indebtors prison.”

2012-01-23T21:30:00.001-07:00

BUSH FINALLY FINDS SADDAM HUSSEIN’S WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION:THEY WERE HIDDEN IN CHENEY’S BUNKER

By R J Shulman

SULFUR SPRINGS, Wyoming – (PTSD News Service) – Former PresidentGeorge W. Bush announced today that he has located the elusive weapons of massdestruction of the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Bush stumbled upon a large cache of nuclear,chemical and biological weapons when he took a wrong turn inside his formervice president’s underground complex. “Dickcalled me to a strategery meeting, about how I should wait about thirty yearsbefore I hire a book writer to ghosticate my autobiography, and the next thingyou know I accidently opened a door to an arsenal as big as the great outside.”

Bush told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that Cheney was justas surprised as he was at the discovery. “Dick said it proved how tricky that Saddam guy was to hide all of theseWMDs in the last place anyone would suspect, Cheney’s secret hideout.”

In an interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News set to airtomorrow, Cheney explains that the discovery of these weapons once and for all justifiesthe invasion of Iraq and removal of Hussein, “before he could retrieve the weaponsand use them on Americans, which is why it is important for Americans to votefor the Republican nominee, whether he turns out to be a flip-flopping Mormonor a disgraced former Speaker of the House.”

2012-01-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

FLORIDA GOP PUSHES TO PRIVITIZE SUNSHINE

by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – Sunshine may nolonger be free in the Sunshine State if Republican lawmakers get theirway. Proposed Committee Bill 7710introduced Friday by the GOP controlled legislature proposes to prevent “the wholesaletheft by freeloaders of the state most precious resource, the sun.”

The bill proposes that the rights to the sun be privatized,sold to certain companies on no-bid contracts with a small royalty going to theState to offset a separate GOP bill that proposes to reduce state tax rate onthose earning over $500,000 a year to a little less than 1%. The sunshine bill was proposed by the Senaterules committee, so the bill’s sponsor can remain secret. The bill has received great support fromExxon-Mobil, BP and Koch Industries. “Wehave long been criticized by those who hate capitalism, democracy and freedomfor supporting unrenewable fossil fuels,” said Rex Tillerson, CEO of Exxon, “but when this bill becomes law, wewill be able to begin to seriously develop the solar energy that people arecrying out for.”

This bill will have several beneficial side effects,” said aGOP Senator who wished to remain anonymous, “charging a fee for being out inthe sun will discourage any more Jews from New York to move down here as thosepeople prefer to get things wholesale or for free.” The spokesperson said that the new law alsocontains a provision that being eligible to by sunshine will be limited to whitesonly. “This bill is not racist asAfrican-Americans can still get their day in the sun in exchange for performinga few simple tasks like cleaning mansions, picking cotton and other odd jobsaround the plantations.”

Governor Rick Scott says he can’t wait to sign the bill assoon as it reaches his desk saying the new law would be like a ray of sunshinecompared to the darkness of socialism. However,an effort to privatize the Florida prison system last year ran into a roadblockfrom the Florida Supreme Court who held that law as beingunconstitutional. “We feel confidentthat we can withstand any constitutional challenge,” said Sheb Webber anattorney for Reach for the Sun, a foundation that supports the new legislation,“as only life, liberty and happiness are protected in the Constitution. I don’t see anything about having a right tosteal sunrays from those that have worked hard to secure the rights to it.”

2012-01-21T19:15:00.004-07:00

GRINGRICH WINS BIG IN SOUTH CAROLINA; PLANS TO DIVORCE THIRDWIFE

by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – Moments afterthe major news networks and Fox projected Newt Gingrich the winner in the SouthCarolina primary, the former Speaker of the House delivered divorce papers tohis wife, Callista who had recently come down with a cold. “When my sagging campaign took off after Iattacked moderator John King for asking about me wanting an open marriage,”Gingrich said, “I knew frankly, that whatever I do in the future, I can blamethe liberal media and my popularity with the Republican base will soar.”

Gingrich who is projected to beat second place finisherRomney by 13 percentage points in the South Carolina primary, told a cheeringcrowd, “Thank you for understanding that no matter how mean, racist andunfaithful I am to my wives, you understand that it’s the fault of the socialistpress.” Gingrich revealed that he plans to marry Ashleigh Braggert, atwenty-three year old blonde campaign worker from Valdosta, Georgia.

“This is crazy,” Romney told a Post Times Sun Dispatchreporter after giving his concession speech, “I am a Mormon with one wife andthe Catholic with at least three wives kicks my behind in a family valuesstate.”

2012-01-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

ROMNEY: I’D EAT MY OWN CHILD IF THAT’S WHAT I HAD TO DO TOBE PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a candid interview withBarbara Walters set to air next Tuesday on ABC, former Massachusetts GovernorMitt Romney asked, “Have you ever wanted something so bad you could almosttaste it? Why if I had to kill me a sonlike Abraham was asked to do just to hear the words ‘President Romney,’ I’d fryup my Taggart or Matthew in a New York minute. Umm-ummm, that would be so scrumptious.”

When Walters asked if he would even sell his soul to live inthe White House, Romney said, “I guess I could sell it to Satan again. After all, I sold it to Lucifer all bundled upwith other worthless properties and got it back for a song when the Horned One’sinvestments tanked and I hid it in the Cayman Islands.”

Walters: Why do youwant to be the President so badly that you would abandon all shreds of decency,morality and humanity?”

Romney: Do you haveany idea what I could get by selling America for its parts?”

2012-01-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

GOP BLASTS OBAMA FOR BLOCKING JOBS FOR OIL PIPELINE, ASBESTOS INSTALLATION, DDT SPRAYING AND PAINTING TOYS WITH LEAD PAINT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – House Majority Leader John Boehner attacked President Obama for being a job killer when he failed to approve the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline and other projects that in Boehner’s words “would have America back on track to be the economy of tomorrow, instead of the current president who favors old fashioned projects such as solar energy. By his actions, Obama has just given away these forward thinking American jobs to China.”

Boehner said there are plenty of jobs to be had in the private sector, but Obama and his safety and environmental terrorists are blocking American workers from taking such employment. “There are countless jobs for installing leftover asbestos in schools and other public buildings, spraying DDT and other such substances to protect American crops, applying already available brightly colored lead paint to children’s toys and painting radium on watch dials, yet this president, when he is not praying to Allah at a Christian Church with a pastor who hates America, uses his misbegotten powers to veto these great job opportunities for Americans.”

Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich agreed, touting his own plans for job creation. “My plan will take poor black children who have no work ethic and give them real job opportunities as replacements for canaries in coal mines, substitutes for animals in product testing, and the well paying jobs of testing the effects of various weapons of mass destruction on the human body.”

“When it comes to the election in November,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “I hope Americans remember which party wanted to give them jobs and which party wanted to give them the business.”

2012-01-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

CORRECTION CORPORATION OF AMERICA TO BUILD STRUCTURES INCHINA TO ACCOMMODATE OCCUPY WALL STREET PROTESTORS

By R J Shulman

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – (PTSD News Service) – Corrections Corporationof America announced a joint venture with the United States Government andabout half of the states to build large facilities in China to provide a homefor members of the Occupy Wall Street Movement that sprung up all over thecountry. “We are proud to serve Americaby solving the housing problem of all of those citizens who have overrun someof America’s finest parks and streets outside government buildings,” said JohnFerguson, Chairman of the Board of CCA.

CCA estimated that their new facilities in China will beable to provide shelter and one square meal a day to over two-hundred andseventy million Americans, or approximately 99% of the population. “No longer will the homeless, shiftless, lazy,unwashed hippies who are jealous of the job creators and hard workingbillionaires have to block up our streets and public places,” said David Koch,president of Koch industries, who helped broker the deal. “Even though thesepeople despise us 1%ers, we still have been kind enough to fund this projectwhich will give them a roof over their heads and the security of knowing that noone can break in or out of their new homes.”

The deal, which included the Chinese government, will movemillions of Chinese people to America. “Thiswill stop the complaints about jobs going to China,” said Koch, “Jobs will nowstay in America because we will soon have men, women and cute little childrenwilling to work for five dollars a day and who won’t complain about coffeebreaks, getting weekends off or workplace safety.” Koch also pointed out that there are plentyof houses already here in America for the Chinese who will come over here towork, because of all the empty houses in foreclosure or left empty by occupyprotestors who “won’t be coming back to their houses any time soon,” Koch said,“and besides, the Chinese don’t whine like brats when twenty-five or thirty ofthem have to live in one room.”

2012-01-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

ROMNEY REALLY AN AMERICAN MOTORS EXPERIMENTAL ROBOT THATWENT WRONG

by R J Shulman

DETROIT – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatchhas learned that back in 1962, when American Motors was a struggling numberfour behind GM, Ford, and Chrysler, CEO George W. Romney had a revolutionaryidea to make his company more competitive. Romney planned to replace expensive union workers with robots.

Built out of unused Hudson and Nash parts, the prototyperobot, called the AMC 999 was designed to build the Rambler station wagon. However, instead of making cars, all therobot could do was fire people and steal their pensions.

“I made the robot in my own image,” wrote George W. Romneyin a secret 1987 memo obtained by the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “I know I shouldhave deactivated Willard as I called him, although he soon got the nicknameMitt because he couldn’t keep his mitts off other people’s property. But instead, I sent him out into the world.What harm could he do? It was not likehe was going to get into a position of leadership where he could harm people.”

When confronted by the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Mitt Romneyvehemently denied he was the AMC 999, and said, “Corporation are people,Corporations are people, Corporations are people, Corporations are people….”

2012-01-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

ROMNEY AND TRUMP BATTLE OVER WHO ENJOYS FIRING PEOPLE MORE

By R J Shulman

WITCHES FALLS, New Hampshire – (PTSD News) – Mitt Romneycalled Donald Trump an “amateur” when it comes to the enjoyment of lettingpeople go. “Donald fires people on atrumped up so-called TV reality show, while I’ve done it for years in the realworld,” Romney said.

Trump fired back, saying that, “Romney has often sent henchmento actually inform employees they were getting the ax, instead of doing ithimself. Now, where is the man couragein having others pass out pink slips?” Besides,”Trump continued, “I’ve heard that the Rominator keeps flip flopping on how manypeople will be let go if he becomes president.”

“I fired people first. Trump is just a copycat,” Romney responded. “At least I suck all of thevalue out of a business before everyone gets fired. Trump shoots off his mouth, powders his wig andbefore you know it, people are forced to leave their jobs because the Donald’sincompetency has caused him to once again have to declare bankruptcy.”

To back up his claim that he is more genuinely excited byfiring people, Romney has posted a list of all of the Americans who will losetheir job if he becomes president and carries out his promise to privatizesocial security and Medicare, dismantle all of the agencies that Rick Perry wasunable to name and sells the rest of America for its parts. To see if you have made Romney’s list of thosewho are slated to get fired, visit www.gutamericaforprofit.comand type in the key phrase “vulture capitalism.”

2012-01-09T18:54:00.002-07:00

FOX NEWS GETS OBAMA STORY RIGHT: FACT CHECKER IMMEDIATELY FIRED

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Fox News Senior FactChecker Lance Fenster was relieved of his duties after he researched facts and changeda news report to say that President Obama has a better record of creating jobsthan George W. Bush. The original storythat was submitted, had said just the opposite. “I could barely believe my ears when Bret Baier told the truth aboutObama’s superior record,” said Fox News producer Richard Lasher, “I snapped offhis mike switch as quickly as I could, but the damage was done. Fortunately, we got it stopped before it couldhit the west coast.”

“You wouldn’t believe the negative calls we got pouring intoour network as soon as that story went out,” said Fox News President, RogerAiles who personally escorted Fenster out of the Fox News Center building andthrew him in the direction of an oncoming cross town bus, “Death threats,outrage, people rending their clothing over the phone, and at least a half-dozensuicides from loyal watchers who could not handle hearing that Obama didanything better than Bush.”

This was not the first time Fenster hit the Fox firing linefor telling the truth by mistake. Backin May 2011, Fenster allowed a piece of copy go to a Fox anchor that said theObama administration was responsible for the killing of Osama Bin Laden insteadof giving the credit to the Bush administration. “Fortunately, we caught that one in time,”Ailes said, “but this new error by Fenster is unforgivable.”

Fenster, who is hiding at an unknown location along withSalman Rushdie and Steve Bartman, the fan who interfered with a foul ball inthe 2003 playoff series causing the Cubs to miss the World Series, said themistake was due to his severe dyslexia. “Those people at Fox should thank Dogthey don’t have to twist facts and spin lies with my condition.”

2012-01-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

GINGRICH CLARIFIES FOOD STAMP POSITION: ISSUE “WHITES ONLY”FOOD STAMPS

by R J Shulman

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – (PTSD News Service) – In aneffort to clarify his controversial position that African Americans shoulddemand pay checks and not food stamps, Newt Gingrich said he favors having “whitesonly” food stamps because it would force blacks to have to find work. “Blacks have a history of relying on the governmentor a master to provide for them and taking away food stamps would force them tobreak the legacy of slavery,” Gingrich said. “Besides it would bring down the unemployment rate and provide anexample for lazy people everywhere to get up and get a job. Further, if I am elected president, I wouldeliminate the minimum wage which hampers the job creators from hiring more ofthose people.”

Rich Perry entered the fray by saying he would advocate “dietfood stamps” to reduce the level of obesity among black people, but retractedhis statement after he learned that you don’t eat food stamps.

Front runner Mitt Romney said that he was in favor of foodstamps until he learned the Tea Party was against them. “I might change my mindand be in favor of food stamps again,” Romney said “if you are allowed to buyguns with them.”

Ron Paul said that printing food stamps was too expensiveand that according to the Constitution, the government shouldn’t be issuingfoods stamps, but that citizens should print their own food stamps.

Rick Santorum said that if God wanted people to have foodstamps, He would have made sure they were born with them.

2012-01-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

ROMNEY SURGES IN SOUTH CAROLINA; PROMISES TO LEARN TO THINKLIKE A BIGOT

by R J Shulman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – Recently trailing badly inSouth Carolina, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has open up a widelead over Newt Gingrich, who has plummeted in the polls after it came to lightthat everything Gingrich said was a lie. The latest Times CNN poll shows Romney at 37%, with former Speaker ofthe House Gingrich at 17%, down from 43% just a week ago.

“Because of this new support from you all good old boys andsouthern belle gals,” Romney said at a rally in Charleston, “I have just cometo the conclusion that the South should have won the Civil War.” Romney unveiled a new poster with himstanding in front of a rebel flag. “Ialso think the liberal press has given a bad name to decent Southern civic organizationssuch as the KKK.”

Romney said that he now believes that the financial crisiswas caused by five or so black guys who forced banks into giving them badmortgages. “I will not allow anaffirmative action president use affirmative action to destroy the Americandream,” Romney said. “I am the onlycandidate who knows the good ‘Gs’ from the bad ones. God and guns – good; Gays and Gingrich – bad.”

Romney told the crowd that if elected president he would lookinto whether President Lincoln had the legal authority to have freed theslaves. “Old Abe may have called himselfa Republican,” Romney said, “but he sure acted like a liberal Democrat.”

2011-12-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

TOP STORIES OF 2012

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service)

December 31, 2012

Well dear readers, we asked you to list what you thoughtwere the top stories of 2012 and on the eve of the new year, we present thePost Times Sun Dispatch list of the top stories of 2012:

1. Theyear 2012 starts with mass panic that the Mayan calendar is right and the worldwill end by the end of the year.

2. Facebooksells it millions of member’s names, addresses, phone numbers, sexualpreferences and racy pictures to the highest bidder.

3. TheUpper Midwest suffers a severe cold spell with the worst damage done to thetown of Hell, Michigan where every pipe bursts from frigid weather. Many say this is Hell freezing over, a suresign the world will end soon.

4. Chinabuys Manhattan for twenty million Yuan, which equals $24 in US currency. They pay for Manhattan in Chinese beads whichare later discovered to be made of poison dog food covered with lead paint

5. USSupreme Court declares that people are not people protected under theConstitution because they are not born with a board of directors and a corporateseal.

6. Japanmakes an official announcement that just because thousands of children are bornwith multiple heads and eyes is no proof that the nuclear leak at the FukushimaDaiichi plant was not completely contained.

7. Romneywins the Republican nomination for president, but after seeking this positionfor eight years, immediately flip-flops and declines the nomination.

8. Ina last minute effort to salvage their chances in the November election, the GOPnominates the only other Republican candidate left standing, Delaware’sChristine O’Donnell.

9. Agas explosion at a conference of top conservatives at the Dallas Hilton sendsKarl Rove, Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich flying out the window. Many say this amounts to pigs flying andsignifies a sure sign of the end of the world.

10. PresidentObama announces that he has killed Bin Laden again in a move to enhance hisprospect of reelection. Bush takescredit again for the second death of Bin Laden.

11. TheChicago Cubs win the World Series by sweeping the New York Yankees in 4 games. Many say this is final proof that the worldis about to end.

12. Exitpolls of the November election show a landslide for Obama and the Democrats,but the actual tally by the black box voting machines show a landslide for O’Donnelland the Republicans by the exact same margin exit polls gave the Democrats.

13. Presidentelect O’Donnell says she will wear her witch hat at her inauguration. Newt Gingrich criticizes her on TV. She immediately turns Newt into a newt. O’Donnell names 12 other women to heradministration, which is quickly dubbed the Coven Cabinet.

14. Stockstumble, the Dow ends year at 666 in the worst decline ever; blame attributed tofive black people who tricked the banks into giving them bad home loans wherethe devil was in the details.

15. Wackenhutand Correction Corporation of America merge to form Incarcerex, and claim they havefacilities large enough to contain 99% of the population.

16. The Vaticanis forced to release the real Third Prophecy of Fatima, which simply read, “Runfor the hills.”

17. Theend of the year comes and the world is intact despite the discovery of a newMayan calendar that says that no matter how it may seem, the world isofficially over if three things happen:

a. Aformer Hollywood actor becomes the most powerful man in the free world.

b. TheAmerican League adopts the designated hitter rule, and

c. Enoughpeople believe that Fox News is really News.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE POST TIMES SUN DISPATCH

2011-12-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

STROM THURMOND COMES BACK FROM DEAD; CONGRATULATES GOP ONVOTER SUPRESSION TACTICS

by R J Shulman

EDGEFIELD, SouthCarolina – (PTSD News Service) – JasonHaws of the Syfy reality TV series GhostHunters claims that while on location at the Willowbrook Cemetery, he andhis crew were visited by the ghost of longtime South Carolina politician StromThurmond. “There was no doubt it wasThurmond,” Hawes said, “it looked just like him and when he began to speak hesaid something about turning in his grave when Barack Obama became president. He then praises Republicans for theirnationwide effort to put “roadblocks’ in the voting process to keep the undesirablesout.”

Hawes was able to catch some comments on his tape recorderthat he attributes to Thurmond. “Back inmy day,” Thurmond says in a clear by eerie voice, “we referred to suchdelicious tactics as belonging to one Mr. Jim Crow, as is in if you are asblack as a crow you can fergit about votin’.”

Hawes and the Ghost Hunters cast and crew came to this quietsouthern town because of persistent rumors of “an ugly old ghost” seen hangingaround the cemetery, complaining about “political correctness” and “affirmativeaction.”

On the tape, Thurmond’s ghostly voice said, “I like forcing peopleto have a picture voter ID and charging people to get one, which is a modernpoll tax, and also making sure in certain darkie districts there are not enoughpoll workers sos the folks have to wait extra long in line and all those otherrestrictive laws that Republicans are now using that will have the effect ofkeeping the coloreds out of the ballot box.”

Hawes said that he had hoped to get more comments from the specterof Thurmond, but another ghost who looked a great deal like Malcolm X showed upand chased Thurmond back into the ground.

The show is set to air on the Syfy network the second weekin January.

2011-12-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

LAST MINUTE EFFORT TO DRAFT JESUS AS GOP PRESIDIENTIALCANDIDATE FAILS
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Desperate to field aviable presidential candidate, in an otherwise field of dismal or freakishwannabes, several Republican Party leaders planned to reach out to Jesus to gethim to carry the GOP presidential banner for 2012. However, before Jesus could even be asked, hewas rejected by a poll of the Republican party rank and file for being tooliberal.

“Our polls showed that Jesus could do very well againstObama in the general election, especially as we could frame the choice as beingbetween Christ and the Anti-Christ,” said Jib Cutter, a GOP research analyst, “butthe problem is that Jesus gave out free healthcare by healing the sick, actedlike a socialist by wanting everyone to help the poor, and was a dark-skinned fellowof the Jewish persuasion, all things that will be soundly rejected by thereligious right.”

“We needed the Anti-Romney and Anti-Obama all rolled into onecandidate and thought Jesus could fill those shoes,” said Wayne Church, a GOPspokesperson, “but the guy doesn’t wear shoes, but instead walks around inhippie sandals.” Rex Barker, anotherGOP strategist said it was just as well that Jesus proved not to be Christianenough, “There really wasn’t enough time for Jesus to be fully vetted. Heck we don’t even know what the ‘H’ standsfor that’s his middle name.”

Others thought Jesus would be weak on the war onterror. “When Jesus should be shock andawing the enemy, he might turn the other cheek,” said Connie Langdale, of the MarylandRepublican Party. “While he doesn’t havethe kind of marriage and divorce baggage of someone like Gingrich,” said BubSacklane, a Wichita, Kansas Republican, “he has been known to hang out with prostitutes. Plus I would have felt a bit more comfortableif Jesus had turned the water to beer instead of wine, because wine is just toodarn French and gay.”

2011-12-24T16:13:00.002-07:00

PEACE AND GOOD WILL BREAKS OUT; MANY CONFUSED, TERRIFIED

by R J Shulman

BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania – (PTSD News Service) – An epidemicsweeping faster than the super flu has spread across the United States andother parts of the world, bringing in sudden peace and pleasant thoughts aboutothers. “We really can’t explain it,” saidWilliam G. Feeney of the Calvary Institute of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, “but itis like the whole world has gone mad by acting different than they normally dofor no reason we can ascertain.” Incidents of unexpected niceness have been reported from San Diego, Californiato Penobscot, Maine and from Olympia, Washington to Key West, Florida.

“The most frightening thing out this pestilence is thethought that there will be endless peace,” said David Lesar CEO of Halliburton,“and that just can’t be good for business.” “I don’t know what will happen if this breakout of peace ends the War onChristmas, said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, “I’ll have nothing to talk about and I mayjust lose my will to live.”

The sudden plague of peace caught some politicians offguard. “I was so shocked that I actually enjoyed that we came to abipartisanship agreement on extending unemployment benefits, that I forgot tohave a drink today,” said House Majority Leader John Boehner. Other people began to question their sanity. “I was thinking about Obama and suddenly wasovercome with a warm feeling, “said Cooter McGoon, a Tea Party member fromGreer, South Carolina, “so I checked myself into the loony bin.”

“If this feeling of good will lasts for more than a day ortwo,” said Rush Limbaugh, “no amount of mama’s special little pills will beable to ease my pain.”

So far the good feelings and peace seems to be holding, butthat is of course, subject to change.

Peace and Good Tidings to you from the Post Times SunDispatch www.ptsd1.blogspot.com

2011-12-23T18:23:00.001-07:00

1% ERS HIRE PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRMS TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST99%ERS
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – After months of bashing byOccupy Wall Street, or the 99%ers as they are sometimes called, the top earning1% have come out swinging by hiring the top ten public relations firms to improvetheir image and turn the table on the protestors who have given bankers,investors the ultra rich a bad name. Accordingto a well placed source, the 1%ers have also paid off the rest of the majorpublic relations firms not to do any work for 99%ers, moveon.org or GeorgeSoros.

“That gang of lazy jobless malcontents occupying this and protestinghave been trying to brand the job creators and successful people as beinggreedy, as if that was bad,” said Milton J. Finster of Edelman, the topindependent PR firm. “There is clearly nothing wrong for a person to use hardearned money from investments and inheritance to better their position.”

“If those jealous thugs occupying public parks would put theirnose to the grindstone instead of all that public defecating, they too couldbuy a congressman or too or even a Supreme Court justice,” said Hammond Newman,a senior executive at APCO Worldwide, a Washington DC public relations giant.

The new conglomerate, known as, “We’re Number One” hasalready completed its first project. The first barrage of the media blitz bythe 1%ers includes the feature films, “Erin Brokovitch Rhymes With Bitch, “DieMichael Moore, Die” and “It’s Wonderful Life II: The Revenge of Mr. Potter” in3-D, as well as music videos, “Who Let The Jags Out,” “How Many Yachts You Got?”and the Koch Brothers doing a heart-warming version of Lady Gaga’s “Born ThisWay.”

Preston Spyglub of Ruder Finn, a New York firm, announcedthe 1%er’s new slogan, “The rich aren’t dirty. It’s the 99%ers who need to take a bath or another one,” Spyglub saidthe phrase “or another one” is not actually in the ads, but used it “because therich laugh every time I say that.”

2011-12-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

TEA PARTY MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTIONNAIRE REVEALED

by R J Shulman

CHARELSTON, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – The PostTimes News Dispatch has obtained an exclusive copy of a test given to anyonewho wants to join the Tea Party in South Carolina.

1. The current housing and mortgage crisis wascaused by:

a. Greedy mortgage lenders

b. Greedy Wall Street Investors who bundledmortgages and knowingly sold bad mortgages and then bet against them

c. Ratings firms who played along and knowinglygave AAA ratings to garbage mortgage investments

d. The black guy in the White House.

2. The plight of the sinking American middleclass was caused by:

a. Thirty years of massive lobbying by the ultrawealthy to rig the system in their favor

b. Thirty years of stagnant wages

c. Thirty years of the wealthy and corporationsto support laws that encouraged cheap labor and out sourcing

d. The black man in the White House

3. The feeling of helplessness that you haveless and less control over your life was caused by:

a. The corporate takeover of the US congress

b. The corporate takeover of the US Supreme Court

c. Erosion of Constitutional rights by laws suchas the Patriot Act

d. The black guy in the White House

The answers appeared on the second page:

Ifyou answered “d” on each of the questions, welcome to the South Carolina TeaParty.

Nextrally will be held on December 31, 2011 at noon at the Wilson Street Baptist Churchwhere we will oppose Obamacare and how it grants special rights to the elderlyand children under 26 to health care benefits that they don’t deserve andallows others to unfairly get special exemptions to pre-existing conditions.

2011-12-21T16:51:00.004-07:00

MIDDLE CLASS TO BECOME EXTINCT BY 2029

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The World Wildlife Fund has predicted that it will soon be the end of the line for Americanus Classicus Middae, a species better known as the American middle class. “This once common creature is being forced out of its habitat often out into the street,” said Saul Spartaine, of the WWF, “and if things continue they way they have been, Americanus Classicus Middae, will disappear from the face of the earth forever within our lifetime.”

“There are several major factors responsible for the decline of Americanus Classicus Middae,” said Emma Walden of the Nature Conservancy, “but the main reason is the sharp rise in the past thirty years of Corprotus Preditus, more commonly known as the corporate class, which has forced Americanus Classicus Middae into retreat. What is astounding,” Walden said, “is that Corprotus Preditus is getting help from a sub species of Americanus Classicus Middae, called Conservitus Teaparticae who are actually supporting Corprotus Preditus’s plan to devour Americanus Classicus Middae out of existence. It’s like lemmings or something self destructive that we don’t quite understand,” she said.

The WWF predicted that at the current rate of reduction in numbers of Americanus Classicus Middae, by 2029 there will only be two species left, the Corprotus Preditus and the Chronicus Povertae. “Of course, if Republicans are elected into office in 2012 the end for Americanus Classicus Middae will come much earlier,” Spartaine said.

2011-12-20T20:08:00.001-07:00

BUSH RESPONSIBLE FOR DEATH OF KIM JONG IL

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Republican presidentialcandidates and conservative commentators alike have reacted to the news of thedeath of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il with a nearly unanimous voice – thecredit for the demise of the ruthless dictator must go to George W. Bush. “Without a doubt, Kim Jong Il would still bealive today if it wasn’t for Bush’s hard line against evils such as Communism,flag burning and illegal drug use,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “and allthis despite the hypocritical socialist Muslim who is now occupying the White House.” Sean Hannity echoed the sentiment bysaying, “If it wasn’t for all of the enhanced interrogation under Bush, Americawouldn’t even know that Kim Jong Il was dead.”

At a rally at a fluff and fold in Madbury, New Hampshire, MittRomney said, “First I wanted Kim Jong Il dead or alive, then I wanted him dead,then alive and then dead, so you can see I’ve stood strong on this issue.” Newt Gingrich said that he has turned over anew leaf to be a kinder, gentler person and as such he would not say anythingill of the dead and instead praised thelate dictator saying, “Kim Jong Il really knew how to put children to work.” Michele Bachmann said, “The success of Bush’splan to rid the world of the Kim Jong fellow has opened up the Tundra for us toget oil.”

But not every GOP hopeful had unwavering praise forBush. Rick Perry said, “I can appreciatethat Bush got Kim Jong the Second, but now we are left with a younger, fatterversion with his son Kim Jong…er…its hard to remember a name when it had threeparts Wait, I know, it’s Kim Jong Oops.” Even though his campaign has been suspended,Herman Cain told reporters, “I deny having a thirteen year affair with Kim JongIl and any other dictators who may come out in the future and make claims thatI had made inappropriate sexual advances toward them is going to be full of liesthat are untrue falsehoods which are far from the truth.”

Former President Bush said, “Well I guess the commander guydecider will have to buy a new belt because I’ve run out of notchicating mybelt with Saddam, Bin Laden, and Kay-daffy, heh, heh.”

2011-12-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

GINGRICH KICKED OFF AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT FOR HAVING TOOMUCH BAGGAGE

by R J Shulman

DES MOINES, Iowa – (PTSD News Service) – Alec Baldwin is notthe only celebrity to have run-ins with American Airlines. GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich wasalso asked to leave an American Airlines flight, this one from Des Moines toAtlanta because his baggage exceeded the FAA limit by over twenty-eight times.

Gingrich told stewardess Alicia Barnsworth, “Do you know whoI am?” when she asked him to leave the flight before takeoff. When she requested again that he leave theflight, he told her in a loud voice, “I have divorced women much prettier thanyou.”

Gingrich was finally escorted off the plane by three TSAemployees, pilot, Mac McMillan and Ms. Barnsworth. Once removed from the flight and deniedboarding, Gingrich shouted, “If all you union workers had been fired andreplaced with underprivileged children, this would have never happened to me.”

2011-12-11T14:02:00.001-07:00

WORRIED ABOUT BILL TO END THEIR INSIDER TRADING, HOUSE VOTESTHEMSELVES HUGE BONUSES

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Concerned that a bill calledStop Trading on Congressional Knowledge Act -- orSTOCK Act that would curtail the current practice of members of congress usingnon-public knowledge to make personal investments, the House voted itself a $3.8trillion dollar bonus to be split by the 535 members of the US House and Senate. “The anti-capitalist, America hating OccupyWall Street crowd has frightened some of the weaker members of the House intowanting to corrupt Congress into capitulating to laws that attack the American God-givenright to earn and honest buck,” said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va),who was able to temporarily derail the STOCK Act. “Therefore, I have made sure that if this communistbill does pass, any losses suffered by those of us who tirelessly work torepresent the American public would be counteracted by a special “protectionbonus.”

Cantor and Darrell Issa(R-Calif.) who heads House investigations said they will begin to look closelyat Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-NY) and Tim Walz (D-Minn) who sponsored the STOCKAct, “because we have credible evidence that they not only are responsible forallowing the Muslim terrorists to attack us on 9-11, but are entirely responsiblefor the bad economy as well as carrying out the assassination of PresidentKennedy,” Cantor said.

2011-12-10T16:17:00.001-07:00

GINGRICH UNVEILS HIS PLAN TO BOOST THE ECONOMY WITH CHILDLABOR

by R J Shulman

CONDESCENDING CIRCLE, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – GOP frontrunnerNewt Gingrich announced his plan to stimulate the economy if he were elected president. “Since it is still too politically incorrectto bring back slavery, which as we historians know was a successful way to createa booming economy,” Gingrich said, “we can use labor of young people instead ofwasting time and money in failed attempts to educate them or further wastingtaxpayer money on frivolous programssuch as midnight basketball.”

Gingrich outlined his plan by saying, “we know that forevery two union jobs in this country, there is one child waiting to do thosetwo jobs. Besides using children asjanitors to patch roofs and maintain boilers, they can find gainful employment cleaningnuclear plants, as fishermen like the ones on Deadliest Catch, loggers, airline pilots, coal miners, sanitationworkers, industrial machine repairmen, and those guys who defuse bombs. This will help the all important employer jobcreators who keep the economy going, as they will no longer have to pay exorbitantwages to lazy union workers.”

Gingrich noted that while some of these jobs may bedangerous, this experience will prepare these youngsters for the military, “incase we find that more American oil happens to be under the land of ruthlessdictators, like we did regarding Saddam Hussein and Moammar Gadhafi.”

2011-12-08T19:33:00.001-07:00

SUPREME COURT: CASH GIVEN TO CONGRESS MEMBERS FOR THEIR VOTENOT BRIBERY, BUT FREE SPEECH

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a surprise ruling, theSupreme Court by a 5-4 vote held that giving money to an elected official to “buy”their vote is protected by the Constitution. Justice Roberts, writing for the majority said, “In Citizens United we determined that corporations are people who areprotected by the First Amendment and that money equals free speech. In the case at hand, Cole v. Bastrap we take the Citizensdoctrine further by holding that giving cash to a lawmaker for a promisedvote outcome is the same as simply talking to them and gets the highestConstitutional protection..”

The Cole rulingcame as a complete surprise as the free speech argument was not made by eitherparty in a case essentially about interstate water rights.

Justice Ginsberg, speaking for the minority said, “themajority decision has just sold the American democracy to the highest bidder.” Roberts dismissed that argument by saying, “Nothingin the constitution says that all men are created with the equal amount of freespeech and some just have a little more free speech available to them.”

Asked what the basis of his ruling was, Roberts said he wasconvinced of making the ruling due to a crap load of free speech that came hisway.

2011-12-07T17:07:00.001-07:00

WAR ON CHRISTMAS RAGES ON; OBAMA DEMANDS THAT BABY JESUS SURRENDER

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Dubbed as the Xmas Offensive, anti-Christmas forces have launched bold new attacks on the hallowed traditional celebration of the birth of Christ. In his latest move, President Obama has ordered his Kwanzaa Muslim Army to attack the forces of Christmas in the heart of the nation’s capital by having them call the Christmas Tree a Holiday Tree and to wish everyone a Joyous Holiday Season without mentioning the word Christmas.

“It happens earlier and earlier every year,” said General Bill O’Reilly, who is leading the pro-Christ forces, “that Christians are attacked at every turn by Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Bahais, New Agers, Wiccans, Cultists and Occultists, Deists, Unitarians, Gnostics, Rastafaris, Sikhs, Shintos, Taoists, Confucianists, Euthanasians, Zoroastrians, Native Americans, Atheists, Agnostics, no preferensists, and of course the original group that did Christ in, the Jews, who all gang up on the baby Jesus,” O’Reilly said. “It’s wonder that with it being a hundred religions to one in this country that Christianity has not become extinct.”

“First I was against the war until I heard that Obama was for the war and then I was for it, until I realized that being against it might save Christmas,” said Mitt Romney, who added, “don’t forget just like corporations are people, Christmas trees are people my friends, and that Mormons are Christians, too who believe in the Christ child and Joseph and Mary and all of her sister wives.”

Newt Gingrich said the war on Christmas has gotten so bad that the anti-Christ forces have banned children from chopping down Christmas trees from the forest, stopped them from digging coal to use in furnaces and stopped them from using sturdy lead paint to color all the joyful Christmas toys.”

Rick Perry said he supports fighting the war against Christmas but wished instead of the twelve days of Christmas there was only two, because that is all he can remember when it comes to gifts he would give.

Herman Cain, who recently suspended his campaign, said that any reports that he touched trees inappropriately has come from lying trees.

Most countries have pledged their support to either the pro or ant-Christmas side, except for Switzerland who declared neutrality, saying their banks and vaults would accept stolen gold, silver, artworks and Christmas loot without asking questions.

2011-12-06T19:35:00.001-07:00

GINGRICH TAPS COACH SANDUSKY TO HEAD HIS COMMITTEE TO REFORMCHILD LABOR LAWS

YOUNG HARRIS, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – In his bid tobe the GOP presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich unveiled an important part ofhis “Contract with Kids” campaign by naming former Penn State assistantfootball coach Jerry Sandusky to head his study group to reform laws thatrestrict or prohibit child labor. “Iwanted someone who has first-hand knowledge that children are capable ofhandling adult positions so they won’t be swayed by liberal anti-capitalistpropaganda about the need for child labor laws,” Gingrich said.

Sandusky held a news conference in which he said he washappy that Gingrich had confidence in him and he would begin working on thestudy committee as soon as he finished his autobiography, tentatively called“From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story.”

2011-12-05T15:16:00.001-07:00

CAIN ENDORSES GINGRICH: THAT MF CAN REALLY CONTROL HISBITCHES

by R J Shulman

DERAIL CENTRE, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – Herman Cainannounced today that he is throwing his support behind Newt Gingrich for the GOPpresidential nomination. “I am impressedwith Newt’s ability to keep the press away from his personal affairs with theladies,” Cain said, “and him making one of his ex-wives sign divorce paperswhen she was sick in the hospital with cancer shows that he is not afraid to dowhat he thinks is right regardless of public opinion.”

Gingrich welcomed Cain’s support saying, “I won’t forgetthat boy’s hard work, so when I am the president, I will make sure to makeHerman a White House ni..ahh..advisor.”

Now that he has suspended his campaign, Cain said the heplans to spend more time with his family, just as soon as he finishes a twoyear world-wide speaking tour that just came up.

2011-12-03T15:31:00.001-07:00

GINGRICH EXPLAINS HIS IMMIGRATION PLAN: THEY’RE LEGAL WHILETHEY’RE WORKING
by R J Shulman

BEAST OF BURDEN, Georgia – (PTSD News Service) – Not onlyhas Newt Gingrich not backed down from his controversial immigration plan, buthe has doubled down by explaining it further. “My immigration plan takes neither the Democrat extreme of amnesty orthe shoot-‘em-on sight approach of some of my Republican colleagues,” Gingrichsaid to a bonfire gathering of the Sons of the South Brotherhood, “but rathertakes the middle ground that those people are legally in the United Stateswhile they are on the job and illegal when they are not. This will encourage them to work for as longas possible.”

Gingrich explained that there is one exception to beingprotected when they are actually working. “If while on the job, Jose or Lupe asks for higher wages, unscheduledbathroom breaks or safe working conditions they automatically become illegal,”Gingrich said, “and it goes without saying that if one of them gets sick ortries to send one of their kids to school they become illegal and are not eligiblefor those kind of benefits.”

“As a bonus to keeping wages reasonable and preserving theprofits of the job creators,” Gingrich concluded, “illegal immigrants will becompeting for the same jobs as children who under my plan will once again beallowed to learn the lesson of a good twelve hour work-day.”

Mitt Romney had to admit that he liked the Gingrich plan. “Anypolicy that calls the same person legal one minute and can flip to calling themillegal the next is a plan after my own heart,” he said, “but then again, Imight also be against it.”

2011-12-02T18:03:00.001-07:00

CLASSIFIED

HelpWanted

Candidate – Established national political party seeks viable USborn person, at least 35 years of age to run for high political office. Need not have any leadership experience, butmust believe in intelligent design rather than evolution, that tax increases tothe wealthy are mortal sins, that Obama is a Kenyan born Muslim socialist whohates America, that liberals are part of Satan’s army, and that the mostcherished of all American values are CEO bonuses. Homophobia a plus. Knowledge of where Iowa and New Hampshire areis necessary. Can be from Texas but must know more than two federal agenciesyou would eliminate. Can be a philanderer, but must have control over trystees.Can have received $1.8 million for being a historian to a government agency whomade bad loans, but you cannot be so condescending and mean that you make theGrinch Who Stole Christmas seem like Gandhi. Must be able to distinguishbetween the day Elvis was born and the day he died. Needed Immediately. Flip-flopping Mormons pretending to be trueconservatives need not apply. Send fullyvetted resume to HelpHelp2012 Committee, P. O. Drawer GOP, Washington, DC20029.

2011-11-30T17:19:00.001-07:00

AFTER SUCCESSFULLY OUSTING OCCUPY WALL STREET PROTESTERS, AUTHORITIES PLAN TO OUST “OCCUPY AMERICA”

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – The crowds may have been disbursed from the Occupy Wall Street site in New York and similar encampments in Los Angeles, Philadelphia and other cities, but those authorities who drove them out are not yet done. “These people are still occupying America,” said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, “and are capable of moving their subversive action anywhere inside the country. That’s why they must go.”

“We can’t allow these protestors to violate the Constitution by assembling and speaking freely,” said Ernie Winsocki, the Mayor of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania who ordered the removal Occupy Wilkes-Barre, “and besides, the protesters are smelly.”

Estimates are that authorities and special interest groups such as the newly formed This Land is My Land, This Land is Not Your Land, called Land” for short expect to deport about 150 million Americans to countries where their ancestors may have come from. “We can’t have a bunch of people get in the way of the normal order of things,” said David Koch, of Koch Industries and leader the Land group, “besides we don’t want this group of unemployed troublemakers get the idea that they can take away jobs from illegal aliens, who understand how to appreciate the gift of getting whatever wage the employer thinks is fair and not expecting any days off or safe working conditions.”

“We will be getting rid of all of those people who hate America, which includes 99% of the population,” said Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, whose actions to end collective bargaining sparked demonstrations that may have been the spark for the Occupy Wall Street movement. “While I appreciate what Governor Walker is trying to do,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein, “he does not belong to the 1% so he is going too.”

“I applaud the actions of this Land group of true Americans,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “and I have recommended that the first person they get rid of is the person who hates American the most, Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama. Did I forget to say Hussein?”

2011-11-29T22:18:00.001-07:00

43^rd WOMAN CLAIMS AFFAIR WITH CAIN

by R J Shulman

BALTIMORE – (PTSD News Service) – Frieda Peoples has emergedas the most recent woman to say that she has had an affair with embattledpresidential candidate Herman Cain. TheBaltimore native announced that over a nine year period Cain wined and dinedher at expensive hotels all over the world, but mostly had fresh pizzasdelivered to her door, sometimes in person.

“I knew the man was married,” Peoples admitted, “but I justcouldn’t keep my hands off his pepperoni. Getting a slice of him was better than getting nothing.” Peoples said she is coming out now to “get mypiece of the publicity pie.”

“This high tech lynching is just the price I have to pay asa black Republican man in America,” Cain said, “and I am not going to bescrewed and harassed out of thiscampaign and will stay in it as long as my wife’s behind and those other women’sbehinds are behind me.” Cain concludedby saying, “any charges of fraud, kidnapping, armed robbery, rape or murderthat may come up about me in the future are flat out false lies.”

2011-11-27T11:47:00.001-07:00

FOX NEWS PROJECTS GINGRICH THE WINNER OF 2012 PRESIDENTIALELECTION

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - Fox News announced at 6:28AM EST this morning that they have projected Newt Gingrich the official winner ofthe 2012 election and next president of the United States. Fox shows that Gingrich received 286 votes toObama's 252, identical to the 2004 Bush victory.

"How can Fox be projecting the election winner when notonly is the vote nearly a year away, but it's before even one state has weighedin on the Republican primary?" said Democratic strategist JamesCarville. "It's just like a soreloser Democrat to try and overturn the election on technicalities like waitingfor people to actually vote," said Fox New President Roger Ailes."

Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform praised Fox fortheir announcement, saying that there will be thousands of taxpayer dollarssaved that won't have to be wasted on supplying polling places and countingvotes.

CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN followed by declaring Gingrich thewinner. "We just didn't want to bescooped by more than an hour by FOX," said Les Moonves of CBS.

Gingrich thanked supporters and FOX for his victory statingthe first order of business will be to overturn every progressive law passedstarting with child labor laws. "Nothing is off the table," Gingrich said, "not evenanti-slavery laws."

2011-11-26T14:47:00.001-07:00

LAST COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE DIES AT 98

by R J Shulman

TRAVERSE CITY, Michigan - The last known true compassionateconservative, Frances X. Warren died today after a short illness. Until recently, Warren, a life-long tartcherry farmer had been active in the Grand Traverse County Republican party andhad once served in the Michigan House of representatives from 1959-1968 and aschairman of the Northern Michigan campaign manager of Gerald Ford's electioncampaign in 1976.

"He was the last of his kind," said historianMichael G. Hastings, who knew Warren. "a dyed-in-the-wool Republican whocared about people. Frank believed inthe principals of conserving government or the people's resources as he calledthem." Hastings said Warren was shockedand saddened by the GOP being taken over by the Strom Thurmond and NewtGingrich types that he said we're 'so damn mean that they had Lincoln turningover in his hallowed grave.'"

"Besides Lincoln," Hastings said, "Frank'shero was Dwight D. Eisenhower, who he served under in World War II. Frank agreed with Ike that the biggest threatto the American democracy was not Communism but the unchecked influence of the militaryindustrial complex."

"Frank suffered a stroke after so-called compassionateconservative George W. Bush invaded Iraq, which reminded Frank of when Hitler invadedPoland," said Warren's longtime friend, Tim Cosgrove, "Frank had beendoing better in recent years, but suddenly fell ill after watching Rick Perrysay "oops" in the debate in which he couldn't remember the third governmentdepartment he would disband if he were elected president."

Cosgrove, who was with his friend when he died said that Frank'slast words were, "Hey, Abraham, can you believe what the heck hashappened?"

2011-11-23T17:15:00.001-07:00

ROMNEY: IF A US PRESIDENT DOESN’T SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF THE REST OF THE WORLD, HE HAS A FAILED FOREIGN POLICY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON (PTSD News Service) – The eight Republican candidates who shared the stage at last night’s CNN debate focused on foreign policy and national security. Mitt Romney, who has either led or been in second place throughout the campaign took a step to stand out as being the strongest on foreign policy by saying, “If the US is not sending the rest of the world American Bombs or American jobs, it means the president has allowed our country to grow weak and vulnerable.”

Romney specifically attacked President Obama by adding,” In three years of the current administration, Obama has portrayed America as not only just another country with a flag, but he has turned our military French and gay.”

Romney also attacked Obama as “the mother of all flip-floppers when it come to policy in Afghanistan and Libya. “First, he didn’t listen to me when I said he shouldn’t send in troops in Afghanistan or support the rebels in Libya, and then he flip flopped when he agreed with me that Afghanistan needed American troops and our involvement in support of knocking out Moamar Gaddafi was a good thing to do.”

Romney concluded his comments on foreign policy by saying he would base his decisions on cold hard facts and not wild politically motivated unsubstantiated accusations like the ones perpetrated by that Kenyan born, American and Christian hating Muslim, Barak Hussein Obama.

2011-11-21T17:00:00.001-07:00

KRYPTONITE DISCOVERED NEAR SUPER COMMITTEE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - A large chunk of Kryptonite has been found near the committee room where the so-called Super Committee of twelve members of Congress have unsuccessfully attempted to solve the nation’s deficit crises. “No wonder the Super Committee has been acting like they are a bunch of helpless weaklings,” said Warner Garrison, a political research analyst with Voterbloc, an Arlington, Virginia political think tank. Val Hart, Senior Executive Editor of the Political Post echoed the sentiment saying, “There is no way these grown men and women who were elected to be leaders could be this pitifully ineffective without some good explanation.”

The FBI has ordered a hazmat team to remove the toxic hunk of Kryptonite, which is about the size and shape of a human head, which bears a strange resemblance to Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform. Federal authorities believe the placement of the material was part of a terrorist plot. “We believe that enemies of America did this to help guarantee that the US economy will fail,” said Henry P. Winston, Jr.. a senior Pentagon spokesman. “Don’t look at me,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, when asked if he thought there was a conspiracy to harm America, “but if the economy tanks in the war to make Obama a one-term president, than even a complete collapse of the American economy would be an acceptable bit of collateral damage.”

2011-11-20T12:10:00.001-07:00

NUMBER OF HISTORY MAJORS SOAR AFTER GINGRICH REVEALS HE GOT MILLIONSAS FANNIE MAE'S HISTORIAN
by R J Shulman

HAMDEN, Connecticut - (PTSD News Service) - According to anew Quinnipiac University poll, the number of students deciding on careers as historianshas skyrocketed ever since former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich admitted hereceived $1.6 million dollars as historian to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. "History was almost dead as a career pathfor college students," said Amy Putnam a senior research analyst whohelped conduct the poll, "but Newt Gingrich has singlehandedly resurrectedan interest in the study of the past."

"Man, if I can pull down a million smackers for being ahistorian who tells money lenders not to make bad loans, I'm all into thishistorical stuff," said Cody Stoner, a sophomore at Reid College in Portland,Oregon, who switched his major to History from Hemp Studies.

"I was a political science major," said Nancy Cottenworth,a junior at Dartmouth, "but just switched to history because not only doesthe term lobbyist have a bad connotation thanks to Occupy Wall Street, but Newtproved you can actually make more money as a historian consultant than as ageneric lobbyist."

Others have regretted that they had not chosen to studyhistory. "If I had only chosenhistory instead of majoring in industrial design, I wouldn't be out ofwork," said Billy Partelli, a Stanford honors graduate, whose job was shippedto China.

"Once it becomes known just how much Gingrich's firm has made as a historian consultants,"Putman said, "not studying the past on college campuses will becomehistory."

2011-11-14T16:52:00.004-07:00

KOCH INDUSTRIES, GE, EXXON AND OTHERS BUY US GOVERNMENT OUTRIGHT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a surprise move, a conglomeration of nine large corporations including Koch Industries, GE, Exxon, Bank of America and Goldman Sachs has made a deal to purchase the entire United States Government for $480 billion. “We felt it was no longer cost effective to try and buy the votes of candidates we supported for federal office on a state by state basis,” said David Koch, Vice President of Koch Industries, “so we decided to buy the whole government including the three branches, its buildings, land holdings and the Constitution.”

Under the new arrangement, all former functions of the federal government will be handled by a single board of directors. “The congress and president could not agree on budget cuts, so they are both being cut, all of them and their entire staffs, not to mention all government agencies,” said Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE.

The new conglomerate, known as Big Brother, Inc in honor of the Koch brothers, plans to dismantle the government and sell it for parts overseas. “The Constitution will be sold to Libya, because they need a new one,” said Koch. “The right to vote will be sold to Afghanistan because democracy is still on the march there, and the Department of Defense will be sold to China because they can make our weapons cheaper to enable us to fight Communism more efficiently.” Other rights that are being sold are the right to assembly to Syria to stop the government from mistreating protestors, the right to a free press to Rupert Murdock’s Newscorp, the right to free speech to a group led by Rush Limbaugh and the right to freedom of religion to a group of TV evangelical Christian fundamentalists from Texas.

Big Brother hopes to pay for some of the deficit from these sales, but any amount still owed will be paid for by the American people, who, they point out voted in the big spenders. Any new profits will be kept by the conglomerate.

“The American people will be glad to know that Big Brother will eliminate all taxes and replace them with certain fees which will be set up by the Bank of America division,” said Rex W. Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil. “With these bold new changes,” Tillerson said, “we can prove once and for all that the private sector can do everything better than government.

2011-11-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

PRO-LIFE GROUP TO PUSH NEW BILL: THE UNBORN ARE CORPORATIONS
by R J Shulman

WILMINGTON, Delaware - (PTSD News Service) Having failed in Mississippi to pass a law that would define personhood at conception, Personhood, USA has introduced a new bill that would declare that corporatehood begins at fertilization. "We made the mistake of thinking that life was the most precious of all values in America," said Raymond Charles, a Personhood spokesperson, "but the holy of most holies is the corporation."

Personhood believes this bill is the best way to protect the unborn as lawmakers and the US Supreme Court have fiercely protected corporations' rights above all others. "And what better state to get it passed first than corporate friendly Delaware," Charles said.

"I am excitedly watching this bill in Delaware," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "because I think Republicans will be on the right side of this issue because in this economic climate, who wants to abort the job creators?" "This is indeed a win-win for Republicans," echoed House Majority Whip Eric Cantor, "it reunites the religious right with the corporatists in the GOP."

Wall Street has weighed in as friendly to the bill because as one financial analyst at Goldman Sachs said, "we can now turn an ordinary bundle of joy into a bundle of derivatives."

GOP Presidential candidates have weighed in on the bill. Mitt Romney was against the bill, then for it saying, "Zygotes are people, my friends." Herman Cain said the real issue was than none of these fetus corporations were his, saying "I never met any of those women." Perry said there were three reasons he supported the bill, "It is good for commerce, health and I can't remember the third, oops."

Not everyone has weighed in favorably on the bill. Warren Buffet warned that with it being cheaper to have a baby in China and India, most women may off-shore their births causing a loss to the American population. "Who cares," said David Koch of Koch Industries, "if the 99%ers become the 89%ers."

2011-11-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

PERRY’S PLANS FOR FEDERAL AGENCIES REVEALED

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Texas Governor Rick Perry committed the mother of all gaffs last night on the CNBC debate when he was unable to name the third federal agency he would dismantle if he were elected president. Perry offered up the first two, the Departments of Education and Commerce (unnecessary - as in who needs educated people succeeding in commerce?) but stumbled when he tried to name the third.

While most poltical pundits attributed Perry’s oops moment to a memory lapse, we have learned that Perry’s stumbling was not due to a loss for words but due to a loss of courage. Perry’s real plans for a shake-up of the executive branch are so drastic that he was unable to admit it on national TV. We have obtained a secret list of the changes Perry would make if her were president and his notes on why he would do so. Perry would:

1. Change the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of Offense. “I’ve watched enough Cowboy losses to know that you have to score more points than the other guys.”

2. Eliminate the Department of Justice. “Justice can get in the way of a good execution.”

3. Eliminate the EEOC. “A fellah should be able to hunt at the camp of his choice no matter what it may be called.”

4. Eliminate the EPA. “Who needs government red tape polluting up the rights of business to make a profit.”

5. Eliminate Congress. “Who needs government red tape polluting up the rights of business to make a profit.”

6. Change the name of the Department of Energy to the Department of Oil and Gas. “We don’t want the communists who are trying to create so-called alternative energy to think they have been invited to the party.”

7. Eliminate the FAA. “We need to let the invisible hand of the free market of the air handle traffic control without government interference.”

8. Eliminate the Department of Labor. “All the jobs have moved to China and India”

9. Eliminate the Department of Transportation. “If a guy who owns trucks can make more of a profit by not having to make sure his trucks have good brakes, why should the government be allowed to interfere with his bottom line?”

10. Eliminate whatever the department of immigration is called. “The unions are afraid of people who really want to work instead of complaining about having safe working conditions and demanding above market wages. We need to open the borders to allow competition to drive a free market.”

11. Eliminate the Department of the Interior. “I got three words for this: drill baby drill”

12. Eliminate FEMA. “We can’t have the Democrats trying to raise taxes on the rich job creators the next time they start crying over what they say some people might need after a natural disaster.” And finally,

13. Eliminate the Department of the Constitution. “Communists hide behind it.”

2011-11-07T17:11:00.004-07:00

OBAMA TO TAKE LESSIONS FROM CAIN ON HOW TO BE AN ANGRY BLACK MAN

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - President Obama announced today that he has asked Herman Cain to teach him how to successfully act AWB (Angry While Black – not to be confused with the Average White Band that was popular in the 80’s) and still keep the support of a mostly white political party base. “I have been using the Rodney King-why-can’t-we al- just-get-along approach for so long,” Obama said, “that if I ever had any angry roots in me, they have all fallen out.” Obama praised Cain for “being able to basically tell nosy reporters to “shut the f**k up, when they asked him questions about alleged sexual harassment charges.”

Harold Stebbins, a White House Aide commented that if Obama could just get in touch with his inner angry black man, "to raise some Cain" so to speak, he could easily stop the Republicans in Congress from pushing him around like they were some schoolyard bullies about to take his lunch money.

Cain did not rule out giving pointers to the President, but said he would have to decline for the foreseeable future because, “some sweet young things have just joined my campaign staff and I’ll need to see if I can personally find jobs for them. However,” Cain continued, “if Obama would just follow my 9-9-9 plan, he’ll be OK – that’s 9 denials for every charge against him, accusing 9 others every time he is blamed for something and to get as angry as any 9 men would who have suffered over 900 years of oppression, then I think he could put the “bomb” back in Obama.”

2011-11-03T20:22:00.003-06:00

CAIN: HO'S JUST CAN'T TAKE A JOKE
by R J Shulman

HERNDON, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – The Cain campaign once again defended their candidate against the sexual harassment allegations that threaten to derail his bid for the White House. “Once you hear his side of the story,” said Willis Blair, a Cain campaign manager, who introduced Cain to an audience in Virginia, “you will understand that the charges against him are completely baseless.”

Cain began his speech with an explanation of the charges that have dominated the headlines. “When I mentioned beaver to that woman at the meeting, the bitch took it the wrong way. I simply was referring to the fact that we were contemplating using beaver meat as one of our pizza toppings, and when I was talking about honkers, I meant those drivers who lean on their horn too much and when I was talking about a large pair of hooters I meant the two big owls that were in the tree outside the window and when I mentioned big headlights I meant the ones we use on our large delivery trucks.”

Cain told the crowd that he didn’t recall that any settlement money was paid to settle charges of his sexual harassment. “I was under the impression that the payouts were to Godfather’s employees injured on the job due to our numerous health and safety violations.”

Blair said that Cain’s explanation should put the charges to rest and help bring back the trust of the American people in Herman Cain.

2011-10-31T16:52:00.000-06:00

WALL STREET RESPONDS TO PROTESTS WITH COUNTER PROTEST CALLED “OCCUPY EASY STREET”

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In its first official response to the month old Occupy Wall Street protests, Wall Street investment managers, bank CEO’s and insurance executives have hit back. “We will see if those idiotic masses can brave the cold filthy streets, them all huddled and shivering under ratty blankets, teeth chattering out their hateful Marxist slogans,” said Conrad Westfield of Goldman Sachs, “We don’t have to dirty ourselves with that sort of behavior because we already occupy Easy Street.”

“If these old spoiled homeless rich kids want to make fools of themselves, let them,” echoed Walter R. McLeish of Bank of America. “In the time it takes one of those malcontents to scribble out a protest sign I will have earned three million dollars.

“The founding fathers built this country on free speech,” said Antoinette Meyer, successful manager of Acme Investments, a wealthy hedge fund, “and since the Supreme Court says money is free speech, it looks like I’ll be doing a lot more talking than those indigent mongrels gathered in the park.” When told that the people in the street did not have the money to buy even a small amount of influence in Washington, Meyer said, “if the protesting masses don’t have enough bread to buy lobbyists in DC, then they should use cake.”

2011-10-30T16:11:00.000-06:00

ROMNEY: I’VE CHANGED MY MIND, I AM NOT A FLIP FLOPPER AFTER ALL

by R J Shulman

DOUBLE FORK, New Hampshire – (PTSD News Service) – Presidential candidate Mitt Romney told a small crowd of supporters that the reason it appears that he keeps changing his postion of issues is that he has an evil twin who deliberately spouts liberal ideas to confuse the public. “Before he was falsely elected president and was living in his native Kenya,” Romney said, “Obama had his evolution loving scientists create a clone of me from DNA they got from a stolen comb.”

Romney says that his double was carefully brainwashed into taking anti-Tea Party positions to sabotage his presidential bid. “For example, my wicked doppleganger has convinced the press that as governor of Massachusetts I was responsible for universal health care. However, not only do I believe that governmental health care is as Communist as Karl Marx, but tell me, how believable is it that I would want to be the governor of a state as liberal as Massacusetts?”

Romney says that regardless of what his twin may have said in the past, he is against abortion, religious cults such as the Mormons, any talk of global warming, greedy workers, special rights for gays and African-Americans, unlawful Mexicans and whatever the Tea Party and Rush Limbaugh will be against now and in the future. “Most importantly,” Romney said, “I stand for what I believe in unless it was something that the Tea Party in now against which meant my original position was taken by my clone and not me.”

2011-10-29T15:03:00.002-06:00

DR. LAURA TO VISIT NI**ERHEAD

by R J Shulman
BIGGOT, Texas (PTSD News Service) – Radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger announced that she will be premiering her new talk show on location from Ni**erhead, a hunting camp visited regularly by Governor Rick Perry. “I am coming back to radio to bring back my own version of the Fairness Doctrine,” Schlessinger said, “because it’s not fair that President Obama can say the name of this camp as often as he likes, but Governor Perry gets chastised for it. I plan to change all that.”

Schlesinger’s new show, to debut on SiriusXM Satellite Radio, will bring back the once popular talk show icon who shut down her previous program after being criticized for using the “n” word repeatedly on the air in a conversation with an African-American caller. When criticized for using the word, “Ni**erhead” eleven times in her new press release, Schlessinger said, “I wish those malcontents would stop trying to claim I’m racist. I’m just calling a spade a spade. Ni**er, ni**er, ni**er, ni**erhead is the damn name of the location I will be broadcasting from. What the heck is racist about that?”

Radio insiders say Schlessinger is trying to jump start her career as her ratings have been sagging in recent years. “That’s not the only thing that’s sagging,” Schlessinger quipped, “I can’t use nude pictures of myself anymore to boost my popularity.”

Schlessinger’s new show, “Do What I Say, Not What I Do,” premiers this Thursday on SiriusXM Satellite Channel 999.

2011-10-20T17:29:00.000-06:00

GOP: BUSH DESERVES CREDIT FOR KILLING OF GADHAFI

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) - Prominent Republican leaders have been quick to point out that credit for the ultimate fall of Libyan dictator Moammar Ghadafi belongs to former President George W. Bush. “While the liberal press is fawning all over Obama,” said presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, “it was President Bush’s decisive killing of Saddam Hussein that gave courage to those who eventually overthrew Ghadafi that deserves the credit and not the work of do-nothing Obama lounging around basking in the fruits of affirmative action.”

“In addition to President Bush I give credit to the British and French,” said Arizona Senator John McCain, “and it hurts me to have the say the French because we all know they are all cowards and gay, yet Obama allowed them to take the credit from America because he failed to send in American ground troops after failing to bomb the heck out of Tripoli.” Rick Perry weighed in by saying that Bush had always been focused on deposing the Libyan leader, “because why else would W have a hunting camp with the words “Ghadafihead” painted on a rock.” New front runner Herman Cain said it was all well and good that the dictator was killed, but it could have been done sooner and more efficiently if he had been president and used his 9-9-9 plan – 9 million American troops sent to Lybia for nine months at cost of nine dollars.

When contacted by the press, President Bush said that he was too modest to take credit for the overthrow and death of Ghadai, but did say he had put together a plan to overthrow Ghadafi by invading Venezuela.

2011-10-16T10:16:00.000-06:00

CASEY ANTHONY SAYS NO TO WHITE HOUSE BID

by R J Shulman

ORLANDO - (PTSD News Service) Casey Anthony made it official Today. She is not running for president in 2012.

The young woman, recently found not guilty of killing her daughter Caylee made her announcement to a crowd gathered near the entrance to Disney World. Anthony had recently been courted to run for the highest office by a group of top Republican Party leaders who had expressed dissatisfaction with the current crop of GOP candidates. “In this tough political climate, we need a candidate who can make tough decisions and most importantly, can get away with murder,” said GOP spokesman William Stains. He noted that not only does Casey Anthony have more recognition with the voting public than Romney, Cain, Perry, or Bachmann, but that she has more favorable recognition. Stains also praised Anthony for possessing another important quality of a politician, knowing how to lie, which she demonstrated when she successfully lied to the police about her daughter’s disappearance.

Anthony’s announcement came one week after New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said “fat chance” to seeking the presidential nomination and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said no to entering the race saying, “I don’t want to seek another elected office that I would have to resign halfway through.”

When Anthony was asked last week if she was bothered by the fact that being only twenty-two years old disqualified her for the presidency, Casey said that she had obtained a Hawaii driver’s license that showed her to be thirty-five. “Besides,” she told reporters, “If a Kenyan born black Muslim gay-loving fascist socialistic communist who hated America could be president, then why couldn’t a God-fearing, non-Mormon Christian southern white girl who was born in the good ol’ USA be the president?”

However, Anthony said that after careful thought about a possible run for the White House, that she would not run because she could have at least as much influence with Congress if not more as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars than as president of the Untied States. Anthony and Dr. Conrad Murray, currently on trial for the death of his patient Michael Jackson, are slated to appear on the cast of the next Dancing With the Stars.

2011-10-06T17:14:00.000-06:00

GOP ENCOURAGES SUPPORTERS TO "OCCUPY MAIN STREET"

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - In response to the growing grass roots movement to occupy Wall Street, GOP leaders have made a call for Republicans and conservatives to counter the protests by occupying Main Street, that is protesting at the homes of those gathering on Wall Street to blame the banks and brokers for their own laziness. "The Tea Party showed the way by occupying Town Halls over health care reform and now they can start occupying town homes, condos, houses and apartments of these youthfull thugs littering Wall Street," said presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.

"When those creeps are not protesting on Wall Street, they are just hanging around pool halls waiting for handouts," said Speaker of the House, John Boehner, "when they should aspire to be like the hard working people hanging around their pool waiting for their dividend checks to come in."

"We must put an end to these anti-American protests," said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor, "because these enemies of the United States are openly attacking the most sacred of American values, a value more important that motherhood, apple pie or baseball - they are attacking the God-given right of a CEO to get a huge bonus."

"If I am elected president," Mitt Romney said, "I will make sure these Wall Street protest criminals lose the right of free speech and I will do that by changing the First Amendment to make sure that when it comes to free speech, corporations are considered people while people are considered not to be people."

Rick Perry also supports the occupy Main Street movement and said that the "problem of the unemployed trouble makers trying to bring down capitalism on Wall Street could be solved with either one of our famous Texaas minimum wage jobs or by a lethal injection, just like we do in the Lone Star State."

"If these people don't like it in America," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "they why don't they just leave and go to Communist China and see how great an economy can be if employers are not hampered with having to pay decent wages or worry about things like workers' safety or pollution. Heck, they can even see what well behaved worker actually took their job."

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said the Occupy Main Street movement is nothing new as "the bankers and brokers have already repossed many houses and businesses on Main Street."

2011-10-03T23:24:00.003-06:00

PERRY TO CHANGE NAME OF CAMP DUE TO PRESSURE FROM "DAMN COLOREDS AND NOSEY JEWS IN LIBERAL MEDIA"

by R J Shulman

NORTH INJUN CORNERS, Texas - (PTSD News Service) - Due to the swirl of bad publicity this past weekend, Governor Rick Perry has announced that he will officialy change the name of his family's hunting camp which for years was called "Ni**erhead."

"It's a sad day when a man cannot honor the tradition of his family property and is forced by liberal political correctness to erase years of proud history because of some falsely perceived insensitivity on my part." Stating that nothing could be further from the truth, Perry said, "the hunting camp will have a new name as soon as I decide between "Wetback Acres" or "Faggot Falls." Perry said he will choose the name using the "eenie meanie miney moe, catach a you know what by his toe," method to make the decision.

2011-10-01T21:16:00.000-06:00

GOVERNOR CHRISTIE WEIGHS IN ON PLANS TO ENTER PRESIDENTIAL RACE

by R J Shulman
HACKENSACK, New Jersey - New Jersey Governor Chirs Christie told a group of supporters that "enterng the race is a heavy issue with huge consequenses, but I am leaving my plate empty enough to dive in if necessary because the steaks are high,the country is starving for new ideas and I am burtsting at the seams with ways to tighten the belt, trim the pork, and cut the fat to reduce the budget."

"My critics have had a feeding frenzy saying I don't have the stomach for the grueling pace of a campaign and have said that I have bitten off more than I can chew. However, they will find it hard to swallow that campaigning for me will be as easy as pie, a cake walk, as the voters will eat up my ideas lke fresh red meat."

Christie did not actually announce he is running, but gave his supporters food for thought when he said, "If you have a gut feeing that I will go head to head with those ding-dongs and hohos,you might be right."

Christie concluded by saying, "whichever way the cookie crumbles, fat jokes are off the table."

2011-09-28T22:06:00.000-06:00

CONGRESS DISASTER RELIEF COMPROMISE: FEMA FUNDS TO BE OFFSET BY NEW TAX ON GAYS AND ATHEISTS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) Avoiding a last minute disaster of their own, Congress escaped being responsible for cutting off funding to cover disaster relief by agreeing to offset any spending for assisting communities such as Joplin, Missouri, by generating revenue from new targetd taxes.

"God has been punishing America with natural disasters because He is displeased by the homsexual lifestyle and by those that don't beliee in him," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "so it's only common sense to tax gays and athiests for having to use taxpayer money to clean the messes they've caused."

"This compromise is good for the Democrats," said Gail Grovers, a White House spokesperson, "because this will be the first time we have been able to convince Republicans to agree to a tax increase instead of tax cuts to solve fiscal problems."

Senator Bernie Sanders, (I-VT) vigerously opposed the new tax. "If God wanted to punish gays and atheists wouldn't they be targeted? Yet when was the last time lightening struck a hair dresser as he listened to a Cher CD while working on a fabulous new window dressing yet tornados routinely hit Christian churches and smash double-wides filled with bibles and statutes of Jesus."

Next on tap for Congress is a bi-partisan bill to tax scientists and environmentalists "to cover the funds expended to fight the fires caused by the inflamitory language of these groups whose phony science of global warming is clearly responsible for various states suddenly bursting into flames," said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor.

2011-09-22T17:17:00.001-06:00

PERRY'S NEW PLAN TO REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT: TAKE A MINIMUM WAGE JOB OR FACE THE DEATH PENALTY

by R J Shulman

KILL DEVIL HILLS, North Carolina - Republican presidental candiate Rick Perry announced his plan for lowering the the high unemployment rate facing the US at a North Carolina rally today. "This plan has worked in Texas," he told a crowd of enthusiastic supporters, "a minimum wage job does not put an unfair burden on the corporate job creators and will help us compete with China, Bangladore, Indo-Nam or wherever they can do things for less around the world."

Perry further explained, "My win-win plan reduces joblessness becuse those who see the benefit of avioding a lethal injection will take a McDonald type of job, thus taking them off the public trough while those who are stubborn enough to refuse the minimum wage, will be permanently removed from the unemployment

roles if you know what I mean, which also takes them off the public trough."

Perry got the loudest cheers and support whenever he mentioned the death penalty and how he has been the most successful governor in history to exercise that right. "It's great to be takling to a crowd of pro-lifers," he said after one such outburst regarding the death penalty.

Perry said that Romney and the other GOP candidates were, "too soft on jobless crime." Perry's plan's new slogan, "Off the goof-offs" has already caught on with conservative radio talk show hosts and will be the subject of a new Fox News Report, Stopping Obama's Army of Slackers who are Coming for Your Guns.

Perry said that if elected president, he would put the final touches on his plan by ending the minimum wage. "We should let the market decide the going rate for pay, and not some socialists in Washington. Having no minimum wage worked pretty well before the Civil War when folks who got shelter and a little food were willing to build the South's infrastructure for the going rate of, well, nothing."

2011-09-14T17:09:00.000-06:00

NEW POLL: GOP PLAN TO SHIFT BLAME FOR EVERYTHING TO OBAMA NOW 73% COMPLETE
by R J Shulman

HAMDEN, Connecticut - A new Quinnipiac University poll shows that 73.3% of all Americans now blame President Obama for the bad econimy, the national debt and the pointless wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is no accident, as this is the result of a well planned and organized campaign of the Republican Party.

"George W. Bush had messed things up so badly when he left office that if we didn't come up with our Shift the Blame Campaign, no one in their right mind would have ever voted Republican again," said Buck Meany, a top GOP strategist. "But a combination of conservative talk radio and Fox News pounding Obama 24/7, while the rest of the media was preoccupied with Lindsay Lohan's next big relapse and unlimited Citizens United money, the vast majority of Americans beleive not only that Obama is a Kenyan born Muslim programmed to become America's first tyrant, but that he is responsible for everything from bad cable reception to personally nailing Jesus to the cross."

The Quinnipiac poll also indicated that American are 65.7% more likely to blame a black man for problems that a white man. There were sharp differernces between the blue states where 53.9% would blame a black man first, as opposed to the red states where 93.7% would be more likely to find blame with an African American male.

"We have been able to successfully set up a picture in the voters' minds that America was like a white woman who got rapped and when it comes time to blame someone, well, you all can guess the rest," said Meany.

2011-08-31T16:43:00.000-06:00

BOEHNER TO BLOCK OBAMA'S REQUEST FOR SPEECH TO JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS UNLESS THE PRESIDENT COMES IN THROUGH THE BACK ENTRANCE

by R J Shulman

(WASHINGTON) - (PTSD News Service) - Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that the Republican controlled House will be "too busy" to accomodate the President's request to address a joint session of congress on the issue of jobs next Wednesday. "Just who does he think he is and does he think we've lost all sense of tradition and heritage?" Boehner said.

"I can't beleive Obama wants to talk about jobs, when we all know the most pressing issue facing this country is how are Americans going to keep out the hoarde of Mexicans who want to come to this country and impose their Sheria law on us." said Sarah Palin at a Tea Party rally.

"Since he doesn't know his place, we will have to teach it to him," said talk show host Rush Limbaugh. "I don't care if I am called a racist, in fact I welcome it. It's the lynchpin of my popularity. And besides, we had a whole lot less trouble from those people when they did in fact know their place."

"I am sick and tired of people calling the Tea Party racists," said Michele Bachmann. "And the president would know that fact if he didn't spend so mucn time fiddling with the bone in his nose."

GOP front runner Rick Perry said that it is important that Obama fail even if it brings down the whole country, because "what everyone including God wants me to do is to turn that doggone White House white again."

An instant poll conducted by Fox News found that 98% of Americans feel strongly that a Kenyan Muslim who hates America more than any other person on the planet should not be allowed to speak in front of a joint session of congress and that honor should only be afforded to a president who looks like a president.

2011-08-30T20:23:00.001-06:00

GOP UNVEILS JOBS PLAN: REPLACE MINIMUM WAGE WITH MAXIMUM WAGE
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - The Republicans have announced they will introduce a bill in the House that will get America back to work again. "The biggest problem faced by the American economy today," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, "are the job-killing high wages caused by the Obama supported minimum wage. Not only will our plan end the minimum wage, but it will established a maximum wage that can be earned so that union thugs can no longer force the job creators to pay exhorbitant wages to lazy employees." Under the plan the maximum wage will start at $2.25 per hour and gradually work its way down to $1.25. CEOs and upper management are exempted from the maximum wage.

The GOP have projected that their maximum wage plan will add over three million jobs. "It is partially modeled after what Governor Perry was able to accomplish with his Texas miracle," said Republican spokesman John Potter, "we've just taken it to its logical conclusion."

The "compassionate conservative' plan addresses the high unemployment among African Americans. "Since those black people have had an unfair advantage for about 40 years with that affirmative action and quota stuff," said Michele Bachmann, "this bill will level the playing field by forcing the Negros to work hard long hours for no wages at all for oh, lets say about 400 years. And when they are done we will make sure we show our appreciation by giving each family 40 acres and a mule."

The plan calls for more tax cuts for the upper 1% and adds a 30% extra tax surcharge to the unemployed. "This incentive program will entice the shiftless unemployed to take stock of their life and strive to be billionaires," said House Majority Whip Eric Canter. "And the 50% tax on being gay will help those who didn't take "pray away the gay" seriously to see the light, you might say its a 'tax away the gay" program.

President Obama said he would be willing to meet with the party across the aisle to discuss their ideas and that nothing was off the table except tax increases for the rich and prosecution of Bush and Cheney as war criminals.

2011-08-29T21:51:00.001-06:00

ROMNEY UNVEILS STRATEGY TO LURE YOUNGER VOTERS: CORPORATIONS ARE PEEPS TOO

by R J Shulman

SOUTH FLIP FLOP, Massachusetts - (PTSD News Service) Stung by the quick rise of Texas Governor Rick Perry, presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced his new plan to attract younger voters, who have all but ignored him. "You've go to use their hep language to reach them," Romney told a group of supporters at the Out To Pasture Living Center in Billings, Montana.

"The youngsters are important not only to vote but they are the future of corporations," he said. "If you word up on what the kids are putting down, then they have a chance to vibe where you're coming from, ya dig?" he said.

He was met with polite applause. "I like his hair," said Ethyl Pinckston, an 85 year old resident, "but I'll have to get my Belltone adjusted because I didn't understand a word he said. "He seemed like a reasonable fellah," said Roman Chelski, "be he kinda looks like this guy who bought our company back in the 80's and sold it for scrap to some foreigners which put me and the boys out of work."

The Corporations Are Peeps Too campaign will be officially launched in Toolendye, Indiana, a once prosperous manufacturing town whose only remaining employer is the local Walmart. "This town is a symbol of how regulations forced on corporations by the FDA and the EPA have sent business to China where they know that worrying about breathable air and drinkable water is the most job killing thing imaginable," Romney said.

2011-08-24T17:20:00.006-06:00

FOX NEWS: OBAMA'S PRAYERS TO ALLAH CAUSED DC QUAKE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - Fox News is reporting that they have strong evidence that President Obama was praying to "his Islamic god" at the precise moment the 5.8 earthquake hit near the nation's capital. "I saw Obama stop in the middle of a golf swing and face east toward Mecca," said Bram Whitestone, a caddy who was on the same golf course as the president in Martha's Vinyard, "I looked at my watch and was shocked to find out later that it was the exact time as the temblor rocked Washington."

"The Quake is proof of how much Obama hates America," said Fox's Steve Doocy, "because while the beloved Washington Monument was cracked, not one mosque in the entire capital area received any damage."

In light of the unprecidented earthquake that occurred during the Obama presidency, GOP lawmakers have thereatened to do what it takes to shut the government down unless the president apologizes for causing the natural disaster. The president issued a statement that in the interests of reaching across the isle, he will apologize, not only for causing the quake, but for hurricane Katrina, 9/11, the attack on Pearl Harbor and for enticing Eve to eat that apple.

2011-08-23T20:43:00.002-06:00

REPUBLICAN HOPEFULS: GADHAFI OUSTED BY BUSH, REAGAN, NOT OBAMA
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - As the Moammar Gadhafi era in Libya comes to an end, Repbulican presidential candidates have credited the ouster of the long time dictator to former Presidents George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan. "If it weren't for President Bush getting rid of an Islamic dictator first when he smoked out Saddam Heussein and Osama Bin Laden," said Rick Santorum, "it was only a matter of time before Obama would catch on." "The liberal media will go out of their way to give Obama credit for Gadhafi's fall," said Sarah Palin, but every right thinking American knows that when Ronald Reagan said 'tear down that wall, Mr. Kruschchev,' that he also meant the wall around Moammar Gadfly so when the iron curtain opened it knocked out the Liberian dictator too. Boy, if I could have only seen all that from my house, it would have been better than puttin lipstick on a pig, I betcha."

New front runner Rick Perry said, "this all goes to show the ineffectiveness of Obama. Bush and Reagan hitched their wagon to good 'ol American troups to get the job done when a job needed to get doen, while Obama panicked and immediately gave up control to the UN which we all know is chock full of French and gay soldiers." Michele Bachman said, "I am not sorry to see Gadhafi go, but if you had a President Bachmann, I would make sure we set up the new Libya as a Christian state and then secure their oil for the good old USA so we could get below $2.00 a gallon, and not leave that country to untrained Islamists who hate America almost as much as Obama does."

When asked if he thought President Obama deserved a little credit for the overthrow of Ghadafi, because of Obama's polices of building a coalition with other nations and helping the rebels plan and carry out a strategy, Mitt Romney said, "Your are missing the whole point. You simply can't give any credit for anything to a president who doesn't believe that corporations are people too."

2011-08-22T20:26:00.000-06:00

MICHELE BACHMANN ON MIXING UP ELVIS' BIRTH AND DEATH DATE: DON'T PICK ON A DYSLEXIC

by R J Shulman

WATERLOO, Iowa - (PTSD News Service) - Taking the offensive against critics who have criticized her attempt to celebrate Elvis' birthday on the date of his death at a political rally, Minnesota congresswoman Michelle Bachmann lashed out by saying that "socialist Democrats have sunk to a new low. Just like my headaches, my dyslexic condition is something that should be off limimts for the those un-Americans on the left who hate Jesus and support the abominable gay lifestyle.

Bachmann said that the left wing suffers from the disease of liberalsim and "shouldn't throw glass houses if they haven't walked in your moccasins." She concluded by saying, "Thank dog my dyslexia has no effect on me and all I can say to my detractors is that they can go fcuk themselves."

2011-08-20T12:43:00.001-06:00

BUSH - PERRY FEUD WIDENS AS EACH TO PUBLISH NEGATIVE BOOK ABOUT THE OTHER
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) The bad blood between the Bush family and Texas Governor is about to get worse. It is not secret that the Bushs and Perry don't see eye to eye as evidenced by Jeb Bush's endorsement of Jon Huntsman for the Republican nominaiton for president. However it was announced today that George W. Bush is about to realeas a book about Governor Perry called The Idiot's Guide to Dummies, while Perry is striking back with a tell-all about Bush called Idiot's for Dummies.

"My book which has more pages than The Pet Goat, is a total exposation of Perry that smokes him out dead or alive," former President Bush said, "he'll fool you once and shame on you, he'll fool you again and as you know how the old Tennessee saying goes - 'you can't get fooled again." Perry countered by saying that he is the real Texan and not Bush who was born in New Haven, Connecticut and that "Bush has been known to use the word 'fabulous' a heck of a lot and kissed a Saudi prince which proves he's got alot of work to do to pray away the gay."

Both books were supposed to debut with a special promotion at Borders Books, but will have to be rescheduled as Borders was forced into backruptcy by the recession.

2011-08-07T09:57:00.006-06:00

S & P DOWNGRADES AMERICA - THANKS ARE DESERVED BY ALL

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE - (PTSD News Service) - Standard and Poors did something that no one, including myself, thought they would ever see - they said the credit rating of the United States of America, the only remaining superpower, was just not that good anymore. This is a historic occasion and one of such magnitude requires that we give credit where credit is due, (unfortunately not to the US who is now has a AA+ and not AAA credit rating).

First and foremost, credit must go to the Tea Party who infiltrated the Republican Party and Congress and made certain their promise that government couldn't do anything right came true. The problem is that by their own reasoning each Tea Partier who supported holding the debt limit hostage must now shoot themselves in the head with their own guns. Here is how it goes: 1) Anyone who blows up something American is an enemy such as Osama Bin Laden who according to the Tea Party was justly killed by Bush's successful torture policy, 2) the Tea Party blew up the financial credibility of the US which makes them traitors, 3) Traitors must be punnished, 4) The best punnisment is the death penalty becuase it would be too expensive to use taxpayer money to keep someone locked up for life, and 5) since you shouldn't have to depend on the government for handouts, Tea Partiers whose love for the Second Amendment means they most likely have a gun, should use it and their own bullets, thus saving precious tax payer dollars on frivolous trials.

Also thanks go to President Barack Obama. Now us white folks are grateful to know that the next time we may encounter a strange black man (especially if he was born in Kenya) in a dark alley we should not be afraid, because we now know he is not going to kick our ass.

Thanks go to the Progressive Dems who are not only too chicken to call themselves liberals anymore, but were so angry that Obama didn't reverse 30 years of horribly destructive Reaganonmics in less than two years that they did not go to the polls in 2010, allowing the infiltration in congress by those who say they love the US Constitution but forgot to read it. (see the clause about the debt of the US shall not be questioned for example).

Thanks to Standard and Poors who were careful enough not to waste a downgrade on Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, AIG and the other gangsters, banksters and organized crimesters on Wall Street when they knew that were dealing junk, so that they could use the downgrade where and when it was needed - The United States of America.

I guess whoever said "we have looked at the enemy and they look just like us" may have had something there.

2011-05-18T16:43:00.005-06:00

KILLING BIN LADEN NOT ONLY ACCOMPLISHMENT LIBERAL MEDIA STOLE FROM BUSH

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - According to Fox News, the Bush bashing, W hating liberal press has deliberately failed to give credit where credit is due when it should have been due George W. Bush. "Giving the glory to Osama for taking out Obama or was it the other way around, anyway was a crime when it was George Bush who wanted Osama dead first and that's just the tip of the iceberg of Bush degrading," said Brit Hume on Fox and Friends.

Hume listed at least six major events where credit was stolen from the former president including:

1) Bush should get credit for the manned moon landing rather than NASA or Armstrong because while in a whiskey and cocaine induced stupor at Yale University in 1968, one full year before the landing, Bush told fraternity mates, "I'm so damn high it feels like I'm walking on the moon."

2) Rosa Parks, a known liberal, has falsely been getting credit for standing up to racism for refusing to give up her front seat in the bus to a white man in Montgomery in 1955, when it was George W. Bush who inspired Parks when he said, "You can't throw somebody under the bus if at the same time you are riding in the back of the bus."

3) The Brittish rock band the Who get credit for the rock anthem, We Won't Get Fooled Again, when the creidt should go to Bush who said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...You can't get fooled again."

4) Lincoln gets credit for freeing the slaves when it should be Bush. Lincoln knew that Bush liked to ride in a Lincoln limosine and Abe realized if he freed the slaves, he would be so well thought of it would be enough to have a luxury car named after him.

5) When it comes to the resurrection, the liberal press credits a known community organizer and Jew named Jesus when it really should be Bush. When Jesus saw how George W. Bush's history making debacle of a career was getting resurrected by a plagairezed book and by getting credit for killing Bin Laden, Jesus said, "Christ, I should resurrect myself too."

6) While the lefties who control the press like to give Yahwey credit for creating heaven and earth, the credit should belong to George W. Bush. When Bush stood up for himself and said he was the decider, that gave God the inspiration to decide to spend about a week creating everything in the universe, except the gays, of course.

2011-05-04T17:10:00.003-06:00

FOX NEWS: WHILE OBAMA WAS OFF DESTROYING THE ECONOMY, BUSH GETS BIN LADEN

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK (PTSD News Service) - Fox News blames the biased liberal media for falsely crediting President Obama with the death of Osama bin Laden, when the kudos should go to George W. Bush. "After all, there is no dispute that President Bush was first to say he wanted to get bin Laden, dead or alive," said Brit Hume on Fox and Friends. "Back then, Obama was listening to an anti-American preacher and using the communist philosophy of Karl Marx to try and community organize."

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who has denied a report that he was waterboarded by Obama until he disclosed the secret compound where bin Laden was living, agreed that the Bush administration deserved the credit for bringing the terrorist mastermind to justice. "First of all," Cheney said on an exclusive interview on Fox News, "Obama would have had to do alot more to me that use a simple waterboard to get me to give up Osama's hiding place," Cheney said, "and I can't believe its taken Obama this long to use extreme enhanced interrogation on bin Laden after President Bush had practically handed Osama's head to Obama on a platter."

"When I proclaimicated that mission accomplished in that flight suit," siad former President Bush, "I anticipated in advance that all that I did would make it so easy for the next decider in chief to easily get Osama dead or not alive What I didn't expecticate was for Osama Heussein Barack or what ever the Kenyan calls himself, would misuse my intelligence I gave to him by resorticating to politicizing the hole in bin Laden's head to boost his flagging presidency in the poll surveys."

"There is no way that Obama would have had the time to plan the operation to take out bin Laden," said Sean Hannity. "That's because Obama was too busy wrecking President Bush's great economy by bailing out the car companies and bringing socialistic death panels to health care."

2011-04-30T15:42:00.003-06:00

TRUMP: I WISH ALL THOSE N*GGER LOVERS WOULD STOP CALLING ME A RACIST

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - Donald Trump lashed back at those who have claimed that his actions and comments have been degrading to African Americans. "Don't they know those people will never be satisfied, no matter how many breaks they get," Trump told a group of supporters at a Tea Party rally in Lackawanna, New York, "But did you see the way I got Obama to dance like a cross between Bojangles and Stepin Fetchit over that birth certificate?"

Trump criticzed CBS' Bob Schieffer for calling his actions racist. "Schieffer should stop creating false stories about me trying to whip up racial hatred against the blacks and report the real story of how welfare Cadillac queens have destroyed the national economy." Rush Limbaugh agreed saying 'The liberals who control the media try to paint us conservatives as racist when all we want to do is hold that Magic Negro's feets to the fire."

Flush from his success of forcing President Obama to produce his long form birth certificate, Trump says that next he will ask for a complete accounting of the First Familiy's food expenses. "The American public are sick of all of the false charges that I am prejudiced," Trump said, "and are much more interested in knowing if the Obamas have wasted tax payer's money on too much fried chicken and watermelon,"

2011-04-28T16:47:00.006-06:00

RYAN SEACREST PLAYS TRUMP CARD, WILL ANNOUNCE HE'S RUNNING FOR PREZ ON IDOL FINALE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - TV host Ryan Seacrest announced that he will announce whether he will throw his hat in the ring for the Republican presidential nomination. "I see how much publicity the Donald got from his non-announcement for the job of the leader of the free world," Seacrest said, "and with Idol kicking Cele.ibrity Apprentice in the shorts in the ratings, certainly my running for the top spot should be in perfect pitch with the American people."

An unnoffical New York Times poll shows that Seacrest has already tied Trump for the lead among Republicans. with former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee a distant third. "Seacrest would make a fresh new face for the GOP," said Republican strategist Baldwin "Baldy" McPaunchley, "and Ryan's experience in shrinking the pool of contestants each week on American Idol could come in handy for him to further shrink the ranks of Americans in the middle class."

Not everyone is happy about Seacrest's plans to enter the primary. "Seacrest is nothing more than a shameless publicity hound," said Sarah Palin in a speech before the Naked Gun Owners of Dallas' national convention, "Why I bet that man doesn't even know what part of the 20th century we fought the War of 1812."

Seacrest said now that President Obama has released his long form Certificate of Live Birth, he will not jump on the "birther" bus, but is contemplating demanding proof from Obama that he is not a radical Muslim with an Anti-American preacher who never used affirmative action to get ahead.

2011-04-25T20:12:00.003-06:00

ARIZONA PASSES LAW THAT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MUST PROVE THEY'RE NOT A SAVAGE, MUSLIM, MARXIST OR COMMUNITY ORGANIZER

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News Service) - The Arizona legislature has just passed a bill along strict party lines that would require proof from any candidate for president that they were not a savage, basketball loving, Marxist, Muslim, married to someone named Michelle or a former community organizer. "We were disappointed that Governor Brewer vetoed the bill we passed that required proof of a US birth certificate for anyone who wants to be on the Arizona presidential ballot," said Hack Beckerwood (R-Kingman), "but we are hopeful she will understand how important this new law will be to preserving the Constitution and in taking our country back."

Critics have said the law is targeted specifically at President Obama to keep him off the 2012 ballot in Arizona, but the charge has been strongly denied by the bill's sponsor Ashton Worthington III (R-Globe). "This bill is simply to protect the integrity of the nation's highest office and would bar any Republican as well as a Democrat who could not prove they were not a savage, basketball loving Marxist, Muslim, married to a Michelle or community organizer."

Alabama, Utah, South Carolina, Texas and Wyoming have similar legislation pending. President Obama said he might be willing to compromise the measure by supporting an amendment that would leave out the community organizer requirement.

2011-04-23T16:04:00.003-06:00

GOP: WHINING SENIORS NEED TO START PAYING BACK WHAT THEY'VE TAKEN IN MEDICARE AND SOCIAL SECURITY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - Hot on the heels of having his budget passed by the House of Representatives, Republican Paul Ryan has introduced a new bill to futher reduce the federal deficit. The legislation, called the Patriotic Shared Sacrifice for Prosperity Act would require anyone who had received benefits through Medicare or Social Security to pay them all back to the US Treasury.

"This bill will finally put an end to the socialist dictates of the Democrat Party which have far too long allowed the out of control gorging at the public troughs by thier partisans," Ryan said, "and it's only fair that those that have unfairly lived off taxpayers pay it all back." The bill exempts payback from anyone who earns more that $250,000 per year and changes the tax code to totally exempt taxes from anyone who has a net worth of over $5 million dollars as well as exempting all CEO bonuses and all inhereted wealth over $50,000 from taxation. This 'done enough already provision,'" explained Ryan, "both stops the Marxist Obamanista attempts to redistribute the wealth from the successful to the lazy and will be an incetive for the poor to make the right choice next time be productive enough to be rich."

Ryan's bill gives Medicare and Social Security recipients six month to pay back the total of what they have received without interest, and after that time, payback will be at a modest interest rate of 29.99%. Republicans say this bill should make America solvent by 2038.

The Patriotic Payer bill provides that anyone who misses a payment will be relocated into "Senior Security Centers" which have been contructed by Koch Industries on a no-bid contract next to the "Teacher and Union Thugs Securtiy Centers"that Koch built earlier on a previous no-bid contract.

"Republicans were swept into office to clean up the deficits and long standing mismanagement of Obama and the Democrat Party," a GOP spokesman said, "and this new bill will give the Amercan people what they truly deserve."

2011-03-26T11:54:00.004-06:00

GLENN BECK SAYS TRIANGLE FIRE SET BY UNION THUGS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - On his Fox News program, Glenn Beck claimed on the 100th anniversary of the Triange Shritwaist Factory fire, which killed 146 young women on March 25, 1911 and led to labor reforms, that the fire was deliberately set by "paid union stooges." "The Communists had been just dying to infiltrate America and with the help of the liberal press back then were able to hoodwink Americans into passing laws that guaranteed a safe working place," Beck said. "'Now where, pray tell me, does in say in the Constitution does it guarantee anyone a safe working place?"

Beck said that the left wing press ignored that a burned hammer and sickle was found in the factory ruins, proving that Communists were responsible. "The shame of all of the over reaction by Americans to ban child labor and the 20 hour work day bakc then is that today's employers wouldn't have had to ship our jobs overseas to places where they still allow that kind of freedom for employers to make a profit," Beck said, drawing a line on his chalk board from Detroit to Korea, "where all the good car manufacturing jobs have gone."

Beck also said the fire 100 years ago helped cause the illegal immigrant problem we face today. "If America had stayed with the 140 hour work week that existed prior to the Triangle fire, "those lazy Mexicans would not have been pouring over the border to take jobs that require that kind of honest hard work for a dollar a day."

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker made a brief appeance on Beck's program saying that the press making a big deal about the 100th anniversary of the fire. "Those girls who died back then would all be dead today anyway, so I don't see what the big deal is here," Walker said.

Beck's comments and a record eight minute crying jag, caused Fox to cancel the show and air a Beck program from the archives instead. "Some of Glenn's facts may not have had the kind of scrutiny for the truth that we at Fox News require of all of our broadcasts," said Fox News President Roger Ailes, "so we replaced it with Glenn's show from December 7, 2010 in which Beck proved that Barack Obama was responsible for Peal Harbor and that the real reason Obama was in Hawaii was not to claim to be born there, but to pave the way for the Japanese attack.

2011-02-20T09:50:00.003-07:00

OBAMA, BOEHNER VIE TO SEE WHO CAN MAKE A LEANER MEANER ANTI-GREENER GOVERNMENT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - In a contest reminiscent of two boys trying to one up each other in a school yard dare, President Barack Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner traded verbal jabs as to who could do a better job of shredding the federal budget. Only the defense budget and oil and coal subsidies seem immune.

"I dare you to end funding for public broadcasting," Boehner said, opening the round.

"Oh yeah?" Obama replied, "see if you can top me when I cut federal subsidies for the poor to get heat in the winter."

"Not bad, Barack Hussein, especially during this extraordianarly cold season," said Boenhner, "but speaking of cold, I am going to take the hatchet to Social Security and Medicare, so there!"

"Then I'll cut funding to community organizing," Obama said, "and you know that if I cut something so close to my heart, you can't even imagine what I'll do the things I don't personally care about."

"Well then, I'd pull my grandmother's feeding tube if that would help the deficit," Boehner said, wiping away tears.

The fight was finally broken up by a group from Congress on their way to church who reminded the Obama and Boehner it was Sunday, the Lord's day and that if they didn't stop bickering they would be late for services.

As the two joined the others on thier walk, Boehner got in the last word when he said to Obama, "I didn't know that Muslims went to church on Sunday."

2011-02-16T21:22:00.005-07:00

GOV. WALKER TAKES PAGE FROM IRANIANS: PROTESTERS SHOULD BE EXECUTED

by R J Shulman

MADISON, Wisconsin - (PTSD News Service) - In the face of mounting protests to a bill that would strip most public employees of their collective bargaining rights, Republican Governor Scott Walker lashed out at the thousands who have descended on the state capital. "The Iranians are usually on the wrong side of every issue," Walker said, "but I have to agree with them that when protesters, like these union thugs here in Wisconsin are guilty of sedition, they need to be executed."

Walker has already said that we will mobilize the National Guard to quell the protests. "I would have had this mess cleaned up already if half of my National Guard wasn't still stuck in Afghanistan."

2011-01-24T18:44:00.003-07:00

TO BE MORE FAIR AND BALANCED, MSNBC TO REPLACE OLBERMANN WITH PALIN

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD - News Service) - MSNBC announced today that after a short time fill-in by Lawrence O'Donnell, Keith Olbermann's covented time slot will be taken over by Sarah Palin. "We had to dismiss Olbermann after he admitted he might have to tone down some of his rhetoric after Representative Giffords was shot," said MSNBC President Phil Griffin, "and it was only natural that we replace him with Sarah Palin who has vehemently denied any part in helping to create a climate of violence that could lead to incidents like what happened in Tucson. In addition," Griffiths said, "Olbermann secretly gave support to Giffords which may have helped her get elected in a tight race and therefore was responsible for making her a target, whereas Palin's website picture of a surveyors marks was an educational way to get voters to pay attention to an Arizona House race."

MSNBC spokesperson Jeremy Gains said that Palin will take over the Countdown program made popular by Olberman, "as soon as she learns a little bit more how numbers work."

MSNBC did not admit or deny the story that they will soon fire liberal talker Ed Schultz because with Palin, the network would only have room one person who liked to hunt and fish or the rumor that Rachel Maddow would also be asked to leave the network as Palin would be able to give a more mainstream women's view of stories in the news.

"This is a good first step to correct the long standing strangle hold that liberals have on talk radio and television," said Clifford Tibbits a spokesman from Comcast which recently received regulatory approval to acquire MSNBC. "I echo that sentiment completely," said Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Michael Savage, Laura Ingraham, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, Neil Boortz, Lars Larsen, Mike Gallagher, G. Gordon Liddy, Michael Reagan, Mark Levin, Michael Medved, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Lou Dobbs, Jerry Doyle, Bill Bennett, Roger Hedgecock, Michael Schmerconish, Dennis Miller, Rusty Humphries, Dennis Prager, Bill Cunnignham and Joseph Goebbels.

2011-01-22T13:19:00.003-07:00

DEMS TO ABANDON GOV HEALTH CARE AFTER REALIZING IT'S KEPT CHENEY ALIVE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - In a complete turnaround, Democratic leaders in the Sentate will support the Repulican Repeal the Job Killing Health Care law that overturns recent health care reforms. However, the Senate verson will contain an added provision that will eliminate all government health care plans including those of all public officials.

"When Cheney resurfaced from his bunker the other day and predicted Obama would be a one term president becasue of his health care reform," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, "it dawned on us that if it wasn't for the intervention of big government health care, Cheney would have been dead a long time ago."

"The Congressional Budget Office report shows that Cheney's five heart attacks have cost the taxpayers over three hundred million dollars," said Vice President Joe Biden. "If we don't reapeal all government health care soon, Cheney will send the deficit into outer space." The CBO report said the reason it was so expensive for Cheney's medical care is that "doctors were trying to do the near impossible - get a heart to work inside of Dick Cheney."

"None of us Democrats in congress mind giving up our health care benefits if it means Cheney gets cut off" said Senator Jeff Bingaman of New Mexico.

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) disagreed. "I will be willing to allow Mr. Cheney to continue his treatment, even as he supports denying it to others, in order to get to a single payer plan which is what we've needed all along." Sanders pointed out that congress is shooting it self in the foot. "They all think that repealing all government health care including Medicare, VA and their own personal benefits, just to cut off Dick Cheney won't hurt them. Just wait until congressperson tries to get private health care. They'll all be denied due to their pre-exisiting condition of hypocricy-itis."

The vote is set to take place in the Senate next week. President Obama is expected to sign the measure in the new spirit of bipartisanship.

2011-01-19T21:26:00.003-07:00

REPUBLICANS VOTE TO REPEAL HEALTH CARE REFORM AND TO BRING BACK PRIVATE SECTOR DEATH PANELS

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE - (PTSD News Service) - As promised, the new House Republican majority flexed is muscles today by voting to repeal the health care reforms passed by the last Congress. With this action, Republicans voted to once again allow insurance companies to shun anyone with a pre-existing contdition, they voted to yank your child off of your health insurance policy, they voted to bring back the ability of insurance companies to pull the plug on any customer they feel is costing them too much money, even if and usually if they are in the middle of life and death treatment, they voted to send seniors back into the donut hole where they have to choose between the high cost of life saving drugs or food and shelter, they voted to add millions to the deficit according to the non-partisan CBO, and these Republicans voted to once again condemn 45,000 innocent Americans to death each year who would be unable to obain health insurance because of the actions of a panel of private sector insurance company CEOs and bureaucrats.

The Republicans are right about one thing, the private sector is better at running more efficient death panels than government employees at Medicare who don't seem to be as good at denying medical care as the private insurance companies have proven to be.

The Republicans made this futile (they know the Senate will not pass it and President Obama wouldn't sign it) and time and money wasting effort to repeal health care reform their first order of business, claiming it is the will of the American people to do all of the mischief as described above.

OK, so help me out here. Either when I was asleep, the American public suddenly became so damn mean they want to sentence people to death or is it more like what Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) said when he compared the pounding repetition of Republican lies that the health care reform bill was a government takeover of medical care to the repetition of the lies the Nazi's spread about the Jews in the 30s and 40s. History shows there were an awful lot of Germans who after such relentless repetition of such lies believed at the time that the Jews really were to blame for all of Germany's problems, just like recent polls showed that a great deal of Americans thought the health care bill was the first step into turning America into a socialist tyranny.

But I better tone this piece down now that we have been told that such rhetoric has no place after theTucson tragedy. However, I really don't believe we have to do that as the Republicans have repeated over and over again that their violent comments about hating the government and their constant gun totin' Second Amendment actions and analogies had aboslutely nothing to do with the bullets sprayed at a government official in Tucson and that it is perfectly OK to call their overturn of the health care reform the Repeal the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act. But just in case anyone reads what I wrote about how the Republicans don't give a RIP about life, health, or the American public and decides to take the radical action of not voting for them next time, I will be humbled and guilty as charged.

2011-01-15T10:16:00.003-07:00

PALIN TO GO UNDER THE GUN ON HANNITY WHO PROMISES TO ASK HER TOUGH QUESTIONS

by R J Shulman

After being criticized for her comments regarding the tragedy in Tucson last week, Sarah Palin has promised to face the pubic on a live unrehearsed and personal interview with Fox's Sean Hannity. "The public has aright to know the truth about the real victim of the unfortunate tragedy last week," Hannity said, "and of course that is Sarah Palin."

"The last thing Amercia needs in this time of out of control government spending is for the liberal press to continue their unrelenting attack on a great Americans such as Sarah by asking such biased questions such as 'what magazines do you read, like what that American hating Marxis Katic Couric did."

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a list of some of the questions that Hannity will ask Palin. Here are seven of them:

1. Just where is the public outrage over how the liberal press tried to make the recent tragedy in Tucson all about blaming you, Sarah rather than about how if the left hadn't blocked people from owing guns with too much government regulations, there would have been more citizens there who could have blown that Communist Manifesto Mein Kampf reading madman away before he could do that much damage?

2. Why does the liberal press miss the point that due to the dumbing down of our education system by greedy teacher's unions, Americans didn't learn the difference between surveyors markings like you used on your web sight aimed at liberal traitors and real gun sights which you are being falsely accused of using?

3. Isn't it amazing how liberals think they can get away with calling you an anti-semite for using the term "blood-libel" when not one of them has proven that Jews in fact did not steal Christian babies for their blood rituals?

4. Just how long will it take before Amercians wake up to the fact that the biased liberal media are too busy attacking you for defeding he Constiution with the very same weapons, guns used by our founding fathers, rather than to report the real story that Obama is planning to take away those very guns to give them to his band of crack-smoking Black Panther youth who now that Acorn has finally been disbanded for stealing the election for Obama, will now have nothing to do but carry out the bidding of Obama, George Soros and self admitted communist Bernie Sanders?

5. Isn't it interesting that the liberal media tries to paint the Tea Party as inciting violence when all they are trying to do is expose Obama for the dangerous commuinst dictator he is how he and his anti-American, Anit-Christian and Anti-gun agenda must be stopped at either the ballot box or bullet box and how it was really the liberals who started it ally by calling George W. Bush a war monger, budget buster, and that he looked like a confused Chimp who didn't know where to throw his feces next.

6. We all know how the liberal press has been after you, hounding you, tracking you down, pointing their left leaning media fingers at you. On this fair and balanced program, I will be just that, fair and balanced. I will be asking you fair, but tough questions so Amercians can learn just who is the real Sarah Palin. With that in mind, would you please tell us which of the three magazines that I am holding up in front of your face that you read on a regular basis?"

7. Tell us why in your own words, Sarah how important it is for good conservatives and independents to be lock and loaded, to keep their powder dry, their aim true and their finder on the trigger to be be ready to take down any liberals who blame your for using too many gun references in your speeches to Americans?

2011-01-10T22:53:00.005-07:00

WHY NO LESSON WILL BE LEARNED FROM THE TUCSON MASSACRE

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico (PTSD News) - No sooner had the news media misreported that Representative Giffords had been killed in a madman's shooting spree, then the media machine began to try and explain what had happened. No matter what was said, however, it could not change the facts that a terrible event had occurred and the question that remained is whether this would be an aberration or the just one in a string of such horrible actions. Sadly, signs seem to point to the fact that terrible event will not change anything on our road to hell.

Some of the signs that there may be more Tucsons:

1. After months of pointing guns figuratively and and in some cases, actually at politicians who disagreed with them, and creating at atmosphere where violent opposition is acceptable, conservatives say this is not the time for fingers to be pointed at them.

2. Talk radio has dismissed that there could be any connection with almost two years of the constant drumming of talk of guns and revolution to stop health care reform and the shooting of Representative Giffords who supported that reform.

3. The call letters of channel nine in Tuscon, one of the main stations reporting on the tragedy is KGUN

4. America is the only so called civilized country that allows a "your money or your life" profit approach to basic health care and has about half of its citizens ready to take up arms to protect health insurance CEOs rights to bonuses that are at the very core of this system.

5. Sarah Palin whose web site had a gunsite aimed at Representative Gifford's district among others and who has directed a hate campaign against government, has not appologized that at the least she has acted in bad taste.

6. While condemning the shooting, no conservative elected officals have appologized for ratcheting up the rhetoric.

7. Right wing talking points blame the increase in violent rhetoric on some liberals who supposedly called George W. Bush a Nazi as much as years of right wing gun toting attacks on liberals and the government.

8. A poll of popular show Coast to Coast listeneres taken just two days after the shooting indicates that almost two thirds of people responding think that current gun laws are too restrictive against gun ownership.

9. Second Amendment gun rights have more avid supporters than First Amendment free speech rights.

10. There were more violent protests over health care reform that seeks to stop among other things, a greed driven system that causes more than 4,000 Americans to die each month for lack of health care insurance than over George W. Bush choosing to maximize his cronies and vice president's personal profits by launching two wars that may have killed over a million people and backrupted the US treasury.

11. Americans worship of celebrity for any reason will encourage more peopole like the shooter (whose name will never be written on the PTSD site) to get their name in the headlines by any means necessary.

12. George W. Bush is pitching a plagairized book on a nationwide tour, rather than having to protect his backside from other inmates in a maximum security prison for treason, war crimes and theft of taxpayer money.

13. The designated hitter rule in the American League has not been repealed.

14. Fox News

15. December 21, 2012.

I am sure if you are paying attention, you can add to this list.

2011-01-06T08:20:00.003-07:00

GOP HOUSE MEMBERS CANCEL READING OF CONSTITUTION AFTER DISCOVERING THE WORD "WELFARE" IN DOCUMENT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON (PTSD News Service) - Just a day after announcing that they would participate in a historic reading of the US Constitution on the floor of the House Chamber, Republicans cancelled their plans when they discoverd the document contained the phrase "general welfare." "We had no idea just how much Obama's socialist conspiracy had infiltrated the very foundation of the country," said Representative Rob Goldlatte of Virginia.

"I am not so sure about "we the people" either said Michele Bachmann, R-Minn. "That sounds too much like 'the people's republic,' so I am suggesting that it get changed to "we the corporations becasue we all know that private sector does everything better." Bachmann's idea to replace the word "people" with "corporation" has received support from US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts who said, "it is clear the founding fathers believed their new country would be better off run by well organized corporations rather than the uneducated rabble who might try and redistribute wealth."

The GOP agreed they would not completely abandon their plans to read the Constitution as they would read the Second Amendment for several hours. "We have to make sure Americans know how to deal with the creeping tryanny of foreign born presidents," Republicans said.

2010-12-30T08:49:00.005-07:00

COUNT DOWN OF BIGGEST STORIES OF 2011

by R J Shulman

(PTSD - News Service) - No that year is not a misprint. While other media outlets are rehashing the stories of the past year, the fact still remains that the past is the past and is yesterday's news. As a yearly service, the Post Times Sun Dispatch enlists the talents of Horatio O. Del Geddes, a direct descendant of Nostradamus, to predict the top stories of the year to come. Del Geddes has an amazing 97% accuracy rate and as he says will be a complete certainty unless enough people take positive acts to stop these events.

By month, here are the biggest stories of 2011:

JANUARY

NEW HOUSE CONVENES -OBAMA IMPEACHED ON 1776 DIFFERENT GROUNDS -including lying about birth certificate; death panels; his bad Christian Pastor Muslim beliefs; assassinating JFK and aiding the British during the Revolutionary War

FEBRUARY

BUSH APPOINTED JUDGE DECLARES MINIMUM WAGE UNCONSTITUTIONAL - This has little effect as most American jobs already in China

MARCH

NEW HOUSE OF UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES FORMED TO INVESTIGATE LIBERALS - Hollywood, all institutions of higher learning except Bob Jones University, Liberty University and BYU are closed down - Reputation of Senator Joe McCarthy restored

APRIL

CONGRESS VOTES FDR OFF THE DIME; REPLACED BY RONALD REAGAN - Not much effect as most Americans had already spent their last dime

MAY

BUSH APPOINTED JUDGE DECLARES CHILD LABOR LAWS UNCONSITUTIONAL - School test results improve as lower performing students hit the fields and service industries

JUNE

SOCIAL SECURITY FUNDS NOT ALREADY RAIDED GIVEN TO WALL STREET TO STOP THEIR COLLAPSE FROM YET ANOTHER ROUND OF THEIR BAD INVESTMENTS - Last minute law suits by CEOs who would have not have gotten their bonuses avoided

JULY

ALL MEDIA MUST HAVE STORIES PRE-APPROVED BY PANEL OF LIMBAUGH, BECK, PALIN AND CHENEY - Discrepancy between Fox News and other news outlets finally ends

AUGUST

BUSH APPOINTED JUDGE DELCARS SOUTH ACTUALLY WON CIVIL WAR, SLAVERY REINSTATED -children in the fields and service industries flock to cities to beg after being replaced by slaves

SEPTEMBER

DANCERS WHO OUSTED BRISTOL PALIN FROM WINNING DANCING WITH THE STARS EXECUTED - Invesigation into those that may have voted against Brisol Palin sends thousands to new federal prisons

OCTOBER

IN ONE FINAL COMPROMISE, OBAMA FORCES BIDEN TO RESIGN AND TAPS SARAH PALIN AS VP, THEN RESIGNS HIMSELF - Obama says it was the best deal he could make to keep the bipartrisan spirit alive - GOP says they still hate him

NOVEMBER

PALIN DECLARED PRESIDENT FOR LIFE - First female president says, "finally a job I don't have to quit"

DECEMBER

ONE YEAR EARLIER THAN PREDICTED BY MAYAN CALENDAR, WORLD ENDS

While this outlook may lean toward the bleak side, Del Geddes say his predicitons can change, but only if enough Americans wake up and take part it making sure they don' t happen.

2010-12-27T09:21:00.004-07:00

INCENSED OVER END TO DON'T ASK DON'T TELL, MCCAIN ASKS TO BE VIET NAM POW AGAIN

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News) - Outraged over the end of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, Senator John McCain flew back to Viet Nam to surrender in person to once again be held as a prisioner of war. "President Obama's flaming disregard for our military is more than I can bear," McCain said as he boarded a Hanoi bound jet at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, "so I'm going back to happier times when a man could serve his country without fear when taking showers."

McCain, who sybolically drove a 1971 Ford Maverick to the airport, told reporters, "Even though the spot where I was kept prisoner in North Vietnam is now an American athletic shoe factory where they don't have to worry about safety and child labor laws, I will voluntarily lock myself in their store room and hold my breath until I turn blue, wait, scratch that, I don't want anyone to think I will turn into a Democrat as that myth was busted a long time ago."

Phuc Nguyen, manager of Ho Chi Min Peoples Captialistic Joy Factory, where the shoes are manufactured near Hanoi, said he welcomed the return of McCain. "To complete our victory over the imperialistic Americans," he said, "we need the Senator to give us more tips on getting the few remaining manufacturing jobs still left in the United States shiped over here."

2010-12-24T06:50:00.004-07:00

TRICKLE ME ELMO TOPS LIST OF CONSERVATIVE GIFTS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) This year conservatives flocked to stores and clicked on line to purchase gifts that support their world view. While most conservatives shunned the Christmas tradition of giving gifts to others and bought these gifts for themselves, saying gift giving promotes sloth, they nontheless promised that some of these gifts would trickle down to those patient enought to wait for them. Hence the overwhelmingly popular first gift on the following list:

1. Trickle Me Elmo - Through tax breaks, favorable de-regulation of anti-trust, environemental and heath and saftey and banking laws, Elmo the CEO doll is able to gather massive amounts of wealth, which then will trickle down to the other less ambitious dolls. The beauty of this game is it lasts decades and decades before it is over.

2. Do Ask, Do Tell - Make the most of the waining moments of Don't Ask Don't Tell by using enhanced interrogation, including an actual operating waterboard to get toy soldiers you think are gay to confess so they can be dishonorably dischaged from the military, all before this traditional American military policy becomes history.

3. Desocialized Medicine - Thrill to being able to overturn the most henious law ever enacted in the history of mankind, Obamacare. Get excited as you are able to once again deny a person health care because they have a pre-existing condition like being a victim of domestic abuse or because once they sounded like they breathed funny. Wet your pants as you throw a family off health care coverage they got because of help from Obamacare and convulse in ectasy as the numbers add up of the Americans who die because they now can't get medical care.

4. Drill Babay Drill - From the makers of the Easy Bake Oven, this is not just a toy, but an actual drill and rig. Drill for oil anywhere whether its your backyard, offshore or Harry Reid's head. All without any pesky government restrictions.

5. Born Unfree - A game that lets you print actual birth certificates of Barack Obama from any country you choose in Africa. Send in your creation and have it plastered all over the screen on Fox News. Winner gets to run for national office in 2012.

6. Tea Party Extravaganza - While not actually tea, this slection of exciting flavors of Kool-Aid is to be drunk while watching Fox News. Here you can drink in ignorance and continue to pretend that your philosophy of American Values would have placed you on the right side of history, and was not really identical to those of the Royalists at the time of the revolution, slave owners of the Southern Red states at the time of the Civil War, those that supported segregation, those who were opposed to women's sufferage, and thought that work safety, fair wages and the end to child labor, and equal opportunity are a Communist plot.

2010-12-19T18:19:00.003-07:00

ULTRA RICH ON TAX BREAKS: THIS TIME WE PROMISE TO CREATE JOBS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Criticized by some Democrats for not creating jobs in the last ten years they have enjoyed record low tax rates, spokesman for the richest 1% of Americans say that this time they promise to create new jobs. "We shouldn't be judged on our past behavior of pocketing mounds of cash or investing it off shore," said H. William Porter, Jr., a Texas oil billionaire, "everybody deserves a second chance."

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh promised that he will personally create jobs with the nearly quarter million dollars he will get to keep, now that the Bush tax breaks for the rich got extended. "With this extra money, I intend to hire at least four minimum wage maids to help with the cleaning and picking up of packages from pharmacies and stuff like that."

Some of the rich dispute the notion that the lowest tax rates in history of the wealthy have not created jobs. "I single-handedly kept a yacht salesman in his job for two months after I upgraded last year," said Goffrey W. Pollard, heir to Pollard Farms of Plantation, Florida. Pollard accused Democrats of being impatient. "They need to understand that you must give the tax cuts time and I can guaranteed that some of this extra money we get to keep will trickle down eventually, just in time for a job to show up for their great-great- grandchildren and everybody knows great-great-grandchildren are the future."

"This unfair attack on the rich by all those jealous haters needs to end," said Paris Hilton. "Everybody like knows, I had to earn my money the hard good old-fashioned way. I had to wait and wait until some dumb-ass relative bit the dust."

"If the hypocritical liberals really wanted there to be more jobs," said Clayton Stanton, CEO of Chatham Investments, a Wall Street hedge fund investment firm, "they would put an end to the things that have really killed American jobs - having to pay a minimum wage, adhere to costly saftety and environmental rregulations, and the biggest enemy of all for young peoople to get jobs, the Marxist federal government's ban on child labor."

2010-12-18T10:18:00.004-07:00

FOX NEWS: OBAMA'S SECRET XMAS SONG LIST PROVES HE'S AT WAR WITH CHRISTMAS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox News announced today that they obtained the First Family's private holiday song list. 'This list of songs is so anti-American," said Bill O'Reilly, "that it attacks the very core of the foundation of our Christian country, Christmas shopping without government interference.

Darrell Issa (R-Cal) has vowed to begin a full scale investigation of what he calls, "Obama's flagrantly treasonous behavor in his effort to use a death panel made of of his family to kill the Christmas spirit."

The Obama holiday songs reported by Fox News include:

1. It's Beginning to Look Alot Like Ramadan

2. Abdul the Red-Nosed Camel

3. Jingle Bombs

4. Have Yourself a Merry Little Kwansaa

5. Rockin Around the Holiday Tree

6. changing the name of Deck the Halls to its most homosexual lyric - "Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

7. changing White Christmas to Diversity Holiday

"If He knew how Obama has subverted his Holy message of buying presents into having to like people who are different than you are," said Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) "the Baby Jesus would be turning over in his grave if he hadn't resurected."

2010-12-16T17:33:00.003-07:00

JUDGE FINDS PARTS OF NEW HEALTH CARE LAW AND 60'S CIVIL RIGHTS ACT UNCONSTITUTIONAL

by R J Shulman

RICHMOND - Virginia - (PTSD News) - A federal judge in Virginia ruled on Monday that a lynchpin provision of President Obama's health care law is unconstitutional as it exceeds the authority granted to Congress under the Commerce Clause. Buried in the same opinion, Judge Henry E. Hudson, appointed to the bench by George W. Bush, ruled that most of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 also exceded the power granted to congress as well as finding provisions of the federal minimum wage law unconstitutional.

"Nowhere in the Constitution, in the Commerce Clause or in any of the Amendments," Hudson said, "does it specifically grant the federal government the power to tell states how to govern their citizens when it comes to forcing them to purchase health insurance, be told who they can hire or allow on their private property or be told how much to pay a worker."

The Civil Rights Act and the federal minimum wage issues were not before the court, but Judge Hudson took up the issues on his own saying, "it's about time the activist judges of the past few decades who have legislated from the bench to force citizens into acting in a way that fits in with some politically correct agenda are finally overturned."

Former Virginia Senator George Allen welcomed the ruling saying that for far too long the federal government has interfered with states rights. "The thugs in Washington have no business telling Virginians how to run their lives," Allen said, "and besides, I have no idea what they are complainging about as we treat our Macacas good down here."

"I am pleased the judge got this right," said Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, who had argued the case before Hudson, "This scourge called Obamacare which I am renaming Commiecare was nothing more than the overreaching audacity of a foreign born president who was put into office by the vote fraud of Acorn. In this unxious health care law, Barack Hussein Obama sets himself up as God by giving himself the power to try prolong the lives of people who made the chioce to be too poor to buy health insurance. What is most heinous about this whole mess is that Obama tries to do it by stealing tax dollars from those who have been conscientious enough to have obtained their own health insurance like the plan I have through the State of Virgina."

Cuccinelli says his next lawsuit will be to have the anti-slavery language of the Constituiton stricken because it was never the intention of the founding fathers to strip the citizens of certain states of their property. "The progressive Marxists are fond of bringing up Thomas Jefferson to support their socialist agenda, but let's see them tryin and talk their way out of the fact that Jefferson owned slaves."

2010-12-07T17:23:00.003-07:00

WHAT IT WILL TAKE FOR OBAMA TO FINALLY BE LIKED BY REPUBLICANS

by R J Shulman

Here is when Obama will finally be accepted by Republicans:

1. When Pigs Fly (and we don't mean Rush Limbaugh or Karl Rove flying on an airplane)

2. Hell freezes over and Obama announces that global warming is the biggest hoax since Acorn fixed the election for him.

3 The Chicago Cubs with the World Series (numbers one and two would surely have to come first)

4. When the cows come home and Obama announces that all the growth hormones are safe, frankenfoods are good for you and pestisides are your best friends

5. A blue moon (they will like him only once and then go back to dispising him)

6. Obama claims he was born in Kenya, is a Muslim Nazi Communist, resigns his office, but not until he boots out Biden and names Sarah Palin as his Vice President

7. After Obama privitizes Social Security, the military, ends all taxes to corporations and the rich, allows oil drilling everywhere, repeals all environmental laws, repeals the Civil Rights Act, reinstates slavery and child labor and renames Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day the Strom Thurmond National Holiday, fire all of his staff of Democrats and hire Glenn Beck and Michele Bachmann to pick their replacements, then Mr. President, the Republicans will like you --Nah, not even that will do it. After all that, they will get Dr. Laura to call you the N word.

2010-12-02T07:40:00.007-07:00

WE NEED A WILLIE SUTTON NATIONAL HOLIDAY

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - Willie who? Willie Sutton, the prolific bank robber of the last century. Why, you might ask. While there may be some guilty pleasure in honoring a man who made a career of stealing from the institutions that have stolen from the pubic for so long, but that is not the reason. It's because he may have had the answer to our financial and economic woes.

When asked why he robbed banks, Sutton said, "because that is where the money is." The reason this is so important today is because we have a obscene deficit and an economic crisis not seen since Willile was holding up banks in the 30's. We need his wisdom because to many people (and all lock step Republicans say that the solution to solving our current financial crisis is to give tax breaks to the ultra rich and try and get the money instead from punishing underpaid government workers, the unemployed and those trying to get by on social security that they already paid for. In Willie's day, that would be the equivaltent of the bank robber needing cash and trying to get it from hobos and bums.

So what is so sacred about rich people's tax rates that they must be protected at all costs, even shutting down the government to preserve their great fortune? Can you beleive that the very idea of returning the Decider's 5% tax break gift to his friends the mega-rich has proven to be more repugnant to so many Americans than whether their neighbors die because they can't get health insurance, or havig a leader who invades unarmed countries and tortures people because he thinks they don't like us or that American children will be thrown into the street at Christmas because their parent's unemployment insurance that they paid for runs out? A Bizarro world for sure.

This fat sacred cow of tax gifts to the rich needs to be Bar-B-Qued and Bar-B-Qued fast. Oh, cry the politicians bought by the money saved by mondo-rich by these very same tax breaks, that this is class warfare, a plan to redistribute wealth and must be stopped at all costs. Wake up, America. This war on class has been going on full steam since Reagan began his War on Wages thirty years ago and the redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the ulta greedy rich has already happened. And unlike the utter failure of the War of Poverty, the War on Drugs and the War on Terror whatever that is, the War on Wages has been very successful.

American wages have been stagnant for three decades, but even that is not enough for those of plenty. To them, wages were still too high, so began the successful quest to find the lowest wages in the world. For proof, just call your American computer company's customer serivice number and you will get someone on the phone calling themselves Bob Smith, but who sounds like he knows more about Shiva and Kali than he does about Jesus.

It's time to have the common sense and courage to return to the tax sharing formulas in place in the 1950's and 60s when the American economy was the envy of the world. Of course, the spending needs to decrease as well, but that is another whole discussion. What we need to stop is the massive and continuous Robin Hood in reverse that now has produced the greatest discrepancy between the rich and the rest of us.

And I have a question for all of you non-filthy rich who support the fat cats' greed over your own interests - do you do it because you think if you lick the bottoms of enough expensive hand-made boots and designer clothed buttocks that some of the wealth will trickle down to you or is it because the peoople in the media you listen to who tell you who to hate have told you to take this position? And please stop repeating the mantra that the filthy rich need this money to create jobs. They had their chance with these rates and if they created any jobs they were in China.

So lets all stop what we are doing for a day, a day named after Willie Sutton, so that we can remember that we need to get the money from where the money is, the ultra rich and giant corporations who use more of the resources and have more protected by the very government they want you to hate and the government of the people they wish to continue to short change instead of trying to solve our economic woes by reaching into the shallow pockets of the unemployed, the underemployed, the underemployed in two jobs or three jobs at once and anyone else working hard to stay above the poverty line.

2010-12-01T21:40:00.004-07:00

ON 55TH ANNIVERSARY OF FAMOUS EVENT, REP ISSA WANTS FULL SCALE INVESTIGATION OF ROSA PARKS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - It was the "no" heard around the world. On December 1, 1955, Rosa Parks, an African American woman refused to follow the order of bus driver James Blake to give up her seat to a white man and move to the back of the bus. Now, over half a century later, California Republican Darrell Issa has pledged that when he takes over the leadership of the powerful House Oversight and Reform Committee in January, he will appoint a special prosecutor to perform a complete investigation of Rosa Parks.

"The fact that America's economy had gone to the back of the bus is no accident," Issa said, "I beleive this idea of a free ride that has crippled the country started with Rosa Parks and I mean to get to the bottom of it." "We think she may not have really been born in the United States, but in Africa as it seems her Alabama birth certificate is a phony," said Michele Bachmann (R- Minn). "and she must be exposed for starting the death panels where she forced white people to the back of the bus where they might easily die from the smell of the sweat and fumes that white people were not used to."

"Parks was a known Communist," said Glenn Beck on his Fox Television show, "the letter 'R' in her name is the same 'R' used in the word Russia and Rosa is a code word for red which is a code word for a Marxist fellow traveller." Beck said he welcomes the investigation and wants to make sure the purse Parks brought on the bus that day is searched as "I am certain as the fact tax cuts to the rich will jump start the economy that she was carrying a hammer and sickle."

"We think she was palling around with Negro Muslims and had an anti-American preacher," Sarah Palin said. "and I heard that she could see Communist Cuba from her house." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that it was time to stop all of the political correctness about Parks and to give equal time to ther person who actually upheld the law and traditional Southern values, bus driver James Blake. "I am confident the investigaton will take away the liberal media's unfair depection of Mr. Blake and place the blame of the upheaval where it belongs on that socialist, community organizer, Rosa Parks." McConnell said the investigation is needed because the public needs to know that to this day, Parks has never been able to prove that as a seamstress she was not sewing a giant flag of the Soviet Union."

Issa said he expects his investigation will show that far from being lauded for refusing to go to the back of the bus, Rosa Park really deserved to be thrown under the bus. President Obama said he welcomed the opportunity to see the other side of the Birmingham bus crises, saying he wants to work in a more bipartisan manner with the Republicans and perhaps Rosa Parks made a mistake for not giving up her seat, but as a compromise maybe she shouldn't have had to go all the way to the back, but taken a seat in the middle of the bus.

2010-11-27T09:59:00.005-07:00

GOP PLAN AT AIRPORTS: PRIVATIZE YOUR PRIVATES
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In the wake of the strong protests of Americans to invasive scanning and groping at the airports by TSA personnel, Republicans have proposed a solution: privatize the TSA. "The nine most frightening words in the English language," said soon to be House Majority Leader John Boehner paraphrasing President Ronald Reagan, "is, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to grope.'"

This is a simple question for Americans," Boehner said, "would you rather trust your nasty regions to lazy overpaid government freeloaders or have them searched by those workers chosen by the glorious free marketplace?" Moving this important funciton to the private sector could also help ease Obama's rampant unemployment, Boehner said. "We have had a great deal of interest in these jobs from out of work sex-offenders looking for a second chance," said Michele Bachmann (R-Minn), "and what is more American that giving them that second chance."

There seems to be growing support for the idea of disbanding the TSA, as evidenced by a growing movement of angry white people who have jammed hastily called town hall meetings, shouting at their top of their lungs. With the help of donations from the Koch Brothers and Rupert Murdoch, the grass roots Me Party Movement has grown into a force, practically overnight. "We called it the Me Party to signify the individual freedom each person has according to the Constitution to be the one deciding who hands are going to go for the gonads and it certainly ain't going to be Obama's unionized TSA youth corps getting into my pants," said Billy Jim Pickens, President of the Alabama Me Party, who was holding a sign at the Birmingham airport that read, "Keep Your Government Hands off my Medicare and My Junk."

"The private sector can always handle jobs better than the government, and this job requires quite a bit of handling," said Clive Hammet, former VP at the now defunct Lehman Brothers and current CEO of Grand Rapids Optimum Personal Expert Search, Inc, a private firm offering airport screening. Hammet said GROPES, Inc. as his company is known, believes "the best method for making sure we are all safe is a hands on approach and we have a group of ex-cons and ex-clergy who are ready willing and able to work well below Mcdonald's wages to make use of their idle hands."

Republicans also outlined the second part of their plan to solve airport security, which is to lower taxes to the very wealthy. "By putting more money in the pockets of the movers and shakers of this country," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "safe travel will trickle down to the rest of American public."

2010-11-25T12:22:00.003-07:00

GLENN BECK: OBAMA PARDONED A COMMUNIST TURKEY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Glenn Beck claimed on his Fox Television show today, that President Barack Obama deliberately pardoned a Bolshevist bird. "The turkey Barack Hussein Obama set free is named Apple which is the record label of known Marxist John Lennon of the Beatles," Beck said wielding his chalk, "and it is no accident this turkey came from a farm in northern California, a hot bed of lesbian communism." Beck also pointed out the turkey was fed a diet of corn and soy, "a leftist vegitarian stew and anti-red blooded American meat and potato diet if I ever heard one."

Beck also warned Obama's action was just the first step of a sinister agenda. "You can bet your mother's eyes he will soon pardon George Soros, Stalin and both Karl and Groucho Marx. Don't be fooled, those glasses, fake mustache and cigar distraction were surely the disguise of a Russian spy."

Fox's Bill O'Reilly agreed. "And if you think Obama has done a good job of ruining Thanksgiving, wait until you see what he has planned for his war on Christmas."

2010-11-20T17:33:00.011-07:00

WHAT AMERICA REALLY VOTED FOR BY THROWING OUT LIBERALS AND BRINGING IN THE TEA

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) Most pundits have moved on from what was the true meaning of the mid-term elections and are now busy focused on whether America is conservative enough to vote Brisol Palin to victory on Dancing with the Stars or whether George W. "he's reflective now, baby" Bush has rehabilitated himself with a plagiarized memior.

However, thanks to the tireless research of the crack Post Times Sun Dispatch staff, we want to present what liberals and conservatives (especially the Tea Party conservatives who took up most of the media spotlight) have stood for to reflect on the nature of the direction chosen by Americans thoughtful exercise of their right to participate in the democratic rebublic experiment called the United States of America.

What Liberals Have Brougt You ----What Tea Partiers Have Brought You

End of Slavery ---------------Picture signs of Obama with a bone in his nose

Breaking away from England------- Wearing funny hats

Medicare---------------Shouting down supporters of health care reform

Social Security----------------Wearing clothes with American flags on them

End of child labor-------------------Children carrying anti-gay signs

Anti-fascist anti-trust laws----Picture signs of Obama in a Nazi uniform

Women's right to vote-----Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Sharon Angle

Protection of environment----Wanting government boots of the neck of BP

Women's rights---------------------Putting boot on neck of woman protestor

Roads, bridges and other infrastructure------More funny hats

Consumer protection--------------Did we say derogotary pictures of Obama

Civil Rights------------------------Spitting on black congressmen

Public Education------------------Glenn Beck

Unemployment Insurance---------Legal tax evasion for the very rich

Religious freedom-----------------Crusade against ground zero mosque

Compassion-----------------------Even more funny hats and hateful signs

For those who voted, you have made your preferences clear- see above. For the many more who didn't vote, perhaps spured on by those like commedian John Stewart who beleived there is no real difference between the parties, you may want to look at the above list again and then revisit an old song, used by the struggling middle class against tyrannical bosses - Which side are you on boys, which side are you on.

2010-11-14T13:38:00.010-07:00

WAS LOST 60'S HIPPIE A MODERN DAY NOSTRADAMUS?

by R J Shulman

BETHEL, New York (PTSD) - Controversial documents have surfaced in a cave at White Lake in upstate New York that some experts say was an accounting of the prophet like dream of a hippe who attended the Woodstock Festival in the summer 1969 and had visions after he took some of the supposedly tainted brown acid. The wild dream, or "weird nightmare" in the opinion of Wallace W. "Groovey" Applebaum, a then 18 year-old drop-out from Brooklyn, New York has created a stir in its supposedly accurate depiction of a different world some forty years later, that could be construed to represent present times.

The doucment found by an employee of a mining company looking for minerals near White Lake, was proprotedly a word for word transcript of Applebaum's dream as told to Else Schnoenberg, a reporter for the German Magazine, Der Speigel who unfortunatly died from an asthma attack while attending the festival.

Some of the highlights of Applebaum's wild rant, a vision of which he claims America was like "two scores" in the future are:

1. One minute I'm singing along to the Who's "My Generation," you know the part where they say, "hope I die before I get old," and then I am in a sea of fat, balding pastey white guys, listening to our music, you know, the Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Cream, Santana and sh*t. But man, I know its the future because they call our music "Classic Rock." But what is so scary is that they are not into peace love and dope. They are into war, hate and keeping weed illegal.

2. These fat baldies are accopanied by their angry old ladies, all waring American flags and revolutionary sh*t, but they are not protesting the man taking away their freedoms. Instead, they are supporting the man to take away more freedom's like from certain brothers and sisters, you know the boys who like boys and the girls who like girls, and then they want to beat up on our Mexican brothers and sisters who they enticed over here by offers of jobs and stuff.

3. The one groovy thing that happened is that there was a black man in the White House, a cool smart brother, like if Jimi Hendrix was the Prez, but the people turned on him fast, like it was so weird because the white man f*cked up the country for over two hundred years and then they give the black man about a year and half to try and clean all that sh*t up. How fair is that?

4. The people who were singing "Revolution" and "For What It's Worth" and "Working Class Hero" one minute, now hate people who have to work for a livng, and they they forgot all about the pointlessness of the Viet Nam war and cheered on when some redneck phony moron of a President, not the Brother who followed, but a real dufus who couldn't even read invaded an innocent country so he and his friends could make some money. And when the people died, the country went bankrupt and everyone in the world hated America for being a bully, well, this president who may have really been a chimpanzee, its a little fuzzy to me, well, then he dresses in the uniform of oppression on some battleship and says, "Mission Accomplished." He accomplished it all right, like the score was Warmongers 1 and the Freaks and Hippies 0.

5. These overweight piglike whities worship a weird Jesus. This Jesus at first looks like the real thing, but it turns out that even though he still has long hair and wears sandals, he has sold out because he hates the poor, wants the rich to get more and more, likes war, and calls anyone who wants to lend a helping hand to a poor person, a Nazi Communinst, whatever that means and then he wants us to kill Arabs or anyone who doesn't worship him like the way he would do. Man, that sounds more like Satan than the Prince of Peace.

6. The good news in this dream, well it seems like good news at first is that in the future there really is a movement to give real power to the people, but the bad news is the man says that the people means Corporations as they are the real people. I am f*ckin' wigged out, bro.

Carbon date testing of the documents have shown them to be about 41 years old, the age they would have been if they were written around the time of the Woodstock Music Festival in August 1969. Fox News has declared the documents a fake, financed by George Soros, reporting that they are a giant hoax on the scale of the myth of global warming.

Applebaum was never heard from again, although there is some speculation that he is the W.W. Applebaum who is wanted for fraud in the collapsle of Lehman Brothers. Applebaum is accused of funneling billions into his off-shore bank account leaving a note that he was "going to let his freak flag fly."