MARTHA STEWART TO DECORATE MADOFF'S CELL

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Martha Stewart announced today she will make Bernie Madoff's jail cell seem like he never left the office. "We will use color coordinated material left over from shoulder pads, and pad the walls of his cell like he padded his client's accounts and there will be a fake Persian rug on the floor to remind him of all of his fake investments. His comfy 300 thread count sheets which are actually 100 count prison garbage, that he will claim are 300 count, will give him a great night's sleep so he will be at his best in the morning to take a cigarette from each new inmate, promising them an investment return of a carton in the near future."

"Of course, his cell phone will really be a cell phone," Stewart said, "but it's unique black and white stripes will make the Blackberry "Joint" look fabulous as he paces back and forth in his room saying, 'can you hear me now?'"

Music will be produced by Phil Spector and contractors will be hired by former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens.

"All in all, his jail experience will be so phenominal," said Stewart, "that it will make 150 years seem like a mere 50." Stewart's next project?: Extreme Guantanamo Makeover.

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STRING OF MYSTERIOUS CELEB DEATHS LINKED TO FOX REALITY SHOW

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox Television has revealed that the recent slew of celebrity deaths is not a coincidence, but is due to famous people participating in their new realtity show, Battle of the Celebrity Deaths which is scheduled to air in late October. "The biggest celebrity to die wins the show," said producer Mitch Killingsly, "We thought we had a sure winner in Farah Fawcett, with her poster selling millions and all, but she was cleary topped when Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, dropped."

"There was pretty stiff compettion," Killingsly said, "but some contestants didn't understand the winner would be the most popular star, not the biggest, as Ed McMahan was clealy the largest. And it wasn't the loudest, as that would be Billy Mays, who could shout his way through sixty seconds of pitching OxyClean, or Rush Limbaugh who could pitch for OxyContin, but wait, he's not dead yet. Or Fred Travalena who impersonated the biggest stars like Bob Hope and Frank Sinatra, or the weirdest star, like Sky Saxon, lead singer of the 60's rock group the Seeds who tooks so much psychedelic drugs that not only didin't they know how old he was when he died, but they weren't sure whether or not he had really been dead for 40 years."

Killingsly said that no one should be able to top Michael Jackson, unless, of course, he said, "you look at how messed up the world is and make the argument that God is dead."

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HANNITY: CLINTON KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox's Sean Hannity claims he has proof that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton killed pop star Michael Jackson. "Jackson was about to go out on tour and was going to expose that the Clintons killed Vince Foster," Hannity said. Deputy White House Counsel Vince Foster supposedly committed suicide on July 20, 1993 and has been the subject of countless conspiracy theories linking his death to the Clintons.

Hannity claims that he obtained some reworked lyrics to Jackson, Bille Jean in which Jackson would sing "Hillary is not my lover, but she is the one, the one who killed Mr. Foster's son." "She had to kill him," Hannity said. "So she cooked up a phoney elbow injury and snuck out of the hospital, shows up at Michael Jackson's house and whacks him in the chest with the fake broken elbow, knowing he has a bad heart and becomes the Thriller Killer."

Hannity is calling for a Congressional investigation to impeach Hillary for first degree murder. Clinton denies she was in California and said, "Sean Hannity has elbowed his way into the limelight with his fellow right wing conspirators and I am not going to let my elbow further his entertainment career."

"I think Hannity's Hillary theory is hilarous," said Democratic political consultant Paul Begala, "the only person who benefited here was South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, whose tangled tango of a tale of an Argentinian angst-ridden affair was bumped off the newswire by the Jackson story.

Hannity said he is going to show that Hillary is responsible for Farrah Fawcett's death, as well as the unrest in Iran. "That woman has had her elbow in just about everything bad," Hannity said.

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GOP ON DEM HEALTH CARE BILL:WHERE IS DR. KAVORKIAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican leaders have expressed outrage over President Obama's proposed healthcare plan, which they say should be killed "as dead as Governor Sanford's chances to be the next President," according to Michael Steele, Chairman of the RNC. "There goes the immoral right to choosers, again," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "first they want to give women the choice to kill their babies, now they want Americans to have the choice to kill health insurance company profits."

"These liberals are attacking everything that's American with their public option plan," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "They want to use tax payer dollars to pay for someone else's healthcare and that is communistic, socialistic and completely godless, unless, of course, it's the Congressional healthcare plan, which is all right."

The GOP has countered Obama's healthcare plan with one of their own. Called the DYGS Plan, for Don't You Get Sick, allows Americans to have the opportunity to pay high health insurance premiums, but allows the insurance companies to opt out of covering medical expenses if to do so would put the life of a CEO's bonus in danger.

The Republican plan didn't make me wildly ill," said Phil Lyons, an out of work auto worker from Willow Run, Michigan, "and that's only because I can't afford to get sick."

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LARRY CRAIG: I DID NOT MEET GOVERNOR SANFORD IN BUENOS AIRES

by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina - (PTSD News) - Idaho Senator Larry Craig is denying rumors that he was the object of Governor Mark Sanford's affections in Argentina. The South Carolina governor admitted today that he has had a year long affair with a woman in Argentina who South Carolina's largest newpaper, the State of Columbia revealed was named Maria. "I love my wife, I am not gay, and I abhore the bathrooms at that Buenos Aires Airport," Craig told reporters in Boise today after the news broke that he may be romantically involved with Sanford. "While I sometimes I go by the name of Maria," Craig said. "I'm not his Maria."

Governor Sanford admitted in a news conference that he had escaped to Argentina to participate in an extra marital affair over Father's Day Weekend, abandoning his wife and children. "I thought it was strange that Sandford admitted an affair with a mysterious woman so quickly," said political analysit Frank Billious, "the fact that this so called woman has not surfaced adds to the suspicion that Sanford has not come clean. Now if he claimed he went to Argentina to meet with some old Nazis who had escaped there from Germany, I would beleive that of a Republican, but not that he was meeting a woman."

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained flight records from Aerolinias Argentinas and discovered that a Maria L. Craig flew from Minneapolis to Buenos Airies on the same day Governor Sanford left South Carolina for South America. Adding to the rumor that Craig is involved with Sanford is the word of Raul Talamante, a washroom attendant at the Buenos Aires Airport who claims to have seen Craig and Sandford emerge from a bathroom stall. "There was some mighty tapping going on in there," Talamante said, "I thought the pipes were going to explode."

If Governor Sanford is telling the truth, he will be only the second Republican politician of late of the many who have been unfaithful to their wives to have had an affair with someone of the opposite sex. "There may be some hope for the GOP," said RNC Chairman Michael Steel, "in that we may have finally purged the party of homosexuals."

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GOP: OBAMA HAS SURRENDERED TO AYATOLLAH

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Republican leaders are keeping up their strong criticism of President Obama's response to the unrest in Iran by continuing his reluctance to get more actively involved in the conflict. "Like a arugula chomping French wimp, Obama has waved the white flag," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "when we should be invading Iran, Obama is evading Iran."

"We now know that Iran was very involved in 9-11," said former Vice President Dick Cheney, "unfortunately, we lack a leader who knows we need to go to the dark side to protect the American people by capturing and torturing as many Iranian terrorits as I could possibly personally torture."

"I was President, I would have dropped as many nukes on Teheran as the number of houses I own and you know I can't count that high," said Senator John McCain on Larry King Live. "I can see Iran from my house, sort of," said Sarah Palin, "and if I was the President I would make the Muslims act more Christian about their differences and if not shoot them between the eyes."

"I've been singing Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran along with John McCain," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "and so what if most Iranians would die in the collateral damage to make them free, the survivors would at least be free."

"I am so offended the the Iranians are falsely accusing the United States of meddling in their affairs that I think that we should overthrow their government," said RNC Chairman Michael Steele.

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IRANIAN SUPREME COURT STOPS VOTE RECOUNT, NAMES AHMADINEJAD PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

TEHRAN - (PTSD News) - The Iranian Supreme Court issued a ruling today that has stopped the recount of the controversial national election results, naming Mahmoud Amadinejad the victor. Supporters of the more progressive Mir Hossein Moussavi had been protesting the election, citing major fraud, while conservative supporters of Ahmadinejad called Moussavi a "sore loser." The opposition to Ahmadinejad cried foul, citing that most of the court that selected Ahmadinejad had been appointed by Ahmadinejad's father.

Moussavi supporters claimed they were bushwacked at the last minute by substitute ballots that were so confusing that Iranian Jews actually voted for Ahmadinejad, a sworn enemy of Israel. "It was our ox that was gored," said Ali Moussad, a Moussavi supporter. "They were trying not to count hanging Chads," said Moussad, "but there were so many voters who were hanged, not only Iranian citizens origianlly from Chad, but from other countries as well, that they all should have been counted let alone not hanged."

Upon hearing that there was a challange to his victory, Ahmadinejad said, "bring it on" and learning that the Court had selected him, Ahmadinejad said, "mission accomplished." He told reporters, "no matter who attacks us, I will invade Isreal because they have weapons of mass destruction." Ahmadinejad also announced that his friends will be given lucrative no-bid contracts because, "they're doing a heck of a job," he said.

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CONSERVATIVE TALKERS:THOSE LIARS WHO SAY WE PROMOTE VIOLENCE SHOULD BE SHOT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - In the wake of the killing of Dr. Tiller and Stepehn Johns, the Holocaust security guard, both shot by right right extremists, right wing talk radio has been taking the heat to tone down its incendiary rhetoric. Now, conservtive hosts are fighting back.

"It would be just like those Commie Islamofascist terrorist loving liberals to stoop so low as to start calling us conservatives names, like hate mongers," said Sean Hannity, "in every war there is some collateral damage, like Tiller and Johns, and we are in a war, my friends, a ratings war." "What about all the hate speech against Rush Limbaugh in the liberal media where they actually accuse Rush of saying things that are untrue. Now that's hate speech," said Rush wanna be talker Mike Gallagher.

"I don't know why all those Jews are upset about the Holocaust Museum shooting," said Bill O'Reilly, "that dead black guard was not even Jewish." "Just because I call liberals fascist Muslim loving communist traitor dogs who don't deserve to live and that we need a few good heroes to step up and use their Second Amendment rights to eliminate these filthy Anti-American pigs doesn't mean I am inciting violence," said Glenn Beck.

Those English vermin had the audacity to put me on a terrorist list," said Michael Weiner, better known to his fans as Michael Savage. "Those Ango-pigs are the real inciters of violence as now I will have to get my listeners of the Savage Nation to kill and destroy everything English from cars painted British racing green to English muffins."

"Those liverals stated all this hate mongering," said Rush Limbaugh, "when they called George W. Bush a stupid war monger who ruined our economy by getting us entangled in a useless war. Just how wrong can the 80% of Americans be who believe that crap?"

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GOP TENT COLLAPSES TRAPPING DOZENS OF MODERATES

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The large tent under construction by the Republican party unexpectiedly caved in today, trapping many people inside who were trying to move the party away from some of its most extreme positions. Observers say the center of the tent buckled, leaving only the far right section of the tent intact. An unconfirmed report said that Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and TV evangelist Pat Robertson were seen talking near the center pole when it snapped in two.

RNC chairman Michael Steele blamed the tent disaster on "a liberal conspiracy." Steele spoke from a Washington police station where he was temporarily detained. "I saw this black guy lurking around inside the ruined tent of the Republicans," said DC police officer Clifton Harshaw, "and that looked awfully suspicious to me."

Not everyone in the tent was upset with the tent's demise. "It's kind of cozy in here now," said Rawley Clemson IV, a large landowner from Bessemer, Alabama, "when the tent fell on my face, I just whipped out my knife and cut two eye holes. It was just like old times."

Latest word is that the GOP cannot agree on a plan to rebuild the tent. "We all agree on one thing," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "we will say 'no' to whatever Omama says."

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CONGRESS' NEW HEALTH CARE PROPOSAL:SYSTEM TO BE RUN BY SOMALI PIRATES

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - After a luke warm reception to President Obama's proposal for a government option plan to compete with private health insurance, Congress has offered its own bipartisan plan. "With falling profits at the heart of our economic downturn, we need a health plan that will do a better job of being more efficient at providing strong returns to the American public that can afford to invest in big health care corporations," said Senator Max Baucus, Democrat of Montana," and what better group to run it than pirates." "I agree that a little swashbuckling needs to be infused into the ailing healthcare system," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "These pirates are good as saying, 'your money or your life' and isn't that the essence of the American healthcare system?"

"This is a genuine bipartisan effort," said Mary Landrieu, Democrat of Louisiana, "after all if lobbyists are bipartisan, why shouldn't we be?" "Those that want to shove a single payor plan on the American people are narrow minded and want to limit the option of the public," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, "In our proposal you will have the opportunity to pay not just if you are single, but also if you are married, divorced, confused or dead. The important thing is that you will be a payor."

"Having real pirates imported from Somalia to run our healthcare instead of continuing with the wanna be pirates who run it now is a win, win situation," said Senator John McCain, "we get to have no government interference in healthcare profits and we clean up the shipping lanes around Africa at the same time."

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FREAK LIGHTNING STRIKE TURNS RUSH LIMBAUGH INTO POOR BLACK HISPANIC MUSLIM LESBIAN

by R J Shulman

BOCA RATON - (PTSD News) - A surprise series of thunderstorms, which has dumped inches of rain in minutes across most of the midwest and south, spawned thousands of lightening strikes, hitting dozens of people, including popular talk show host Rush Limbaugh. "One minuto he's jelling at me," said Limbaugh's maid Mercedes Santos, "then the sky open and a flash strike the fat man right on his ugly bald head."

Limbaugh was rushed to Boca Presbyterian where he was initially pronounced dead. "But he came roaring back to life quoting the Koran," said Dr. Haj Prawdi, "I am a Muslim and his recitation of the holy book was perfect and true, more than I can say about the way he plays fast and loose with the truth on his show." "Then he starts speaking in perfect Spanish, like a native speaker," said Juanita Bustamonte, a nurse born in the Dominican Republic.

The most amazing result of the lightning strike is that it turned Limbaugh's skin black and changed his gender to female. The strike, which also hit his mansion and burned it to the ground, seemed to have shorted out his assets at various banks and off-shore accounts, leaving the once wealthy Limbaugh penniless.

"If you thought I was angry as a rich white man," Limbaugh said from his hospital bed, "wait until you hear how enraged I get as a poor black hispanic Muslim lesbian."

Ms. Santos, who has worked for Limbaugh for five years, was uninjured. "Just before he speak with anger about me for not being pronto with his oxycontin," Santos said, "he say 'if the most endangered species in America is not white males, then God should strike me dead.' Dios, mio. I think He was listening."

Lightening also struck 55 year-old Billy Jimmy Hoskins near Hayes, Kansas while he was trying to put up a roadsign that read, "God Hates Homos." Another lightening victim was 41 year-old Andrew Goldsmith, a former AIG executive who was hit just outside a bar in Key West, Florida where he was on vacation. Goldsmith was heard talking about his large bonus when he was felled by the storm. "Mr. Goldsmith is very upset about his health in fact, I would call it a depression" said his doctor, Grant Skinner, "especially when I told him he may not see a recovery this year."

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BUSH BASHES OBAMA:HOW CAN HE GO TO MIDDLE EAST AND NOT MAKE AT LEAST ONE THREAT?

by R J Shulman

CRAWFORD, Texas - (PTSD News) - Former President George W. Bush said he was "shock and awed that a US president would go to those terrorist countries and not say something like 'wanted dead or alive,' 'we will smoke you out' or at least, 'onward Christian soldier." Bush who has kept a low profile since leaving office said he could no longer keep his silence because "the saber-rattler-in-chief went into battle without his saber."

Bush also expressed surprise at Obama's strange behavior when he visited Germany. "How ignoramous of him when he met with fuhrer Angela Mackerel and didn't give her a back rub. This could start Word War II all over again. And worse, he goes to Egypt to see the Pharoah and doesn't say 'let my people go.' Just how are our Jewish friends going to get to Israel where they can make some of that money they are so good at making."

Former Vice President Dick Cheney agreed that Obama's trip was a disaster. "No one was tortured, no one was shot in the face and there was not one new no-bid contracts for Halliburton," Cheney told Fox news. Religous broadcaster Pat Robertson said, "I knew we had elevated a Muslim to our highest office because Obama actually quoted from the Koran to those Muslims and didn't once try to preach to them the true gospel of the bible."

"With all this cow bowing to the terrorists and not getting North Korea to stop Iran from buildicating nuclear weapons," concluded Bush, "it will be many moonshines before Obama can say 'mission accomplished.'"

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FOX NEWS: OBAMA TRAVELS TO THE MIDDLE EAST TO RECRUIT JIHADISTS
By R J Shulman
CAIRO, EGYPT – (PTSD News) – Fox News broke the story today that the real purpose of President Obama’s trip to the Middle East is to meet with Arab leaders to learn how to recruit Jihadists to do his bidding and wreak havoc in the United States. In the Fox News Special, “Could Obama Be Plotting a Muslim Revolution in the US,” Fox News reporter Neil Cavuto said, “It’s no accident that Osama bin Laden released a new tape on the eve of Obama’s visit. And it’s no surprise that the liberal media has failed to properly translate bin Laden’s message which said, ‘Brother Obama, we welcome your glorious mission in the name of Allah to overthrow the Infidels that infest the United States.”

“The proof that Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein, did I say Hussein, Obama hates Christian American,” said Sean Hannity, “is that he has chosen to mingle with known Islamic Koran thumping terrorists in the Middle East before he has visited God fearing American towns such as Jackson, Tennessee, Williamsport, Pennsylvania and Provo, Utah.”

“The link between Barack Hussein Obama, Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden is well known,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, “first, their names all sound the same and all three can spell Prague which proves they met there in secret to plot against the United States.”
“No matter how much the liberal press Obama lapdog suckups try and protect Obama,” said conservative talker Glenn Beck, “they cannot prove Obama is not in the Middle East to recruit Jihadists.”

Bill O’Reilly was originally scheduled to host “Could Obama Be Plotting a Muslim Revolution in the US,” but had to cancel as he needed to spend time back pedaling from taking responsibility for his inflammatory comments about Dr. Tiller who was shot dead in his church by a fanatic, who may have been an O’Reilly fan. “Frankly, I like the Dr. Tiller story better,” O’Reilly said. “It has church, guns, abortion and death. Who could ask for more, unless, of course, you could throw in a scare that lesbians were going to take over NASCAR.”

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VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY LOOKING FOR COMEBACK AS E3 OPENS
By R J Shulman
LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News) – Step aside guitar hero, move over skateboard maverick, there are some awesome new games in town. This week the video game industry kicks off its biggest event of the year with new hardware and game titles at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, better known as E3 in Los Angeles. This show is where the big guns and gaming giants bust out their newest goodies in hopes of capturing a larger share of the gaming market.

While there has been some interest about “The Beatles: Rock Band,” “Guitar Hero 5,” and “Grand Theft Auto IV,” the real buzz surrounds the following new games:

1. Bonus Betrayal – where you as a Wall Street hero battle the government, bad press, and poor management at your firm as you try and make sure you receive your multi-million dollar bonus.
2. Brink of Bankruptcy – As a celebrity CEO, see how close to the edge you can take your company as you pay yourself outrageous salaries, the key being you must make your company so huge that it becomes too big to fail and qualifies you for a government bailout.
3. Madoff With the Dough – You are superstar financier Bernie Madoff and your job is to raid the back accounts of countless rich suckers, dodging angry mobs, federal goons and evil reporters to make it safely to the Cayman Islands.
4. Rush to Judgment – You get to turn on the golden microphone as flatulent talk show host Rush Limbaugh as you eat, smoke and pill pop your way to lay negative judgment on poor people, women, cripples and the disadvantaged. Score extra points as you trod on the already downtrodden.
5. What Pelosi Knew – Play a super sleuth Fox News Reporter as you uncover what Nancy Pelosi knew about the torture at Guantanamo Bay prison. Higher levels of the game allow you to uncover what she knew about 9-11, the Kennedy assassination, the killing of Jesus, and how that apple tasted when she and Adam took their now famous first bite in the Garden of Eden.
6. Pro-life Killers – Be a mondo-ultra hero as you protect the right to life by blasting your political and philosophical enemies to kingdom come as you try and explain why right to lifers have way more guns that right to choicers.
7. The GOP’s Big Tent – Touted as a game changing event, the latest word is that this game failed to load properly and will be sent back for some re-tooling.

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AFTER RE-ORG, GM WILL NOT MAKE CARS, BUT CAR DERIVATIVES
By R J Shulman
DETROIT – (PTSD News) – Giant troubled US automaker General Motors announced today that when they emerge from bankruptcy, they will not longer be in the car manufacturing business but will concentrate on the car derivative market. “We will specialize in bundling some exciting new products such as car exhaust futures, projected undercoating sales, and debt of car warranty extension companies,” said GM CEO Fritz Henderson.

Bankruptcy expert Clement Faust said the thinks this is an excellent plan. “Everybody knows you just can’t manufacture anything in the US any more, unless you are manufacturing wealth based upon creative financing schemes that no one has figured out yet. With this new plan, GM will once again become a darling of Wall Street.” GM plans to hire out of work former executive of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers and AIG to head up the new post-bankruptcy company. “We are going to be leaner and meaner,” said Henderson. “Mostly meaner.”

The new GM will be 60% owned by American taxpayers. “Don’t worry, this is not a move toward Communism” said Bob Bronswell, a GM executive, “we are only socializing the losses, but keeping good old free market profits private.”

The success of the new company will be based upon dumping unnecessary expenses such as worker benefits and salaries. “There is a very difficult road ahead for General Motors,” Henderson said, “as the first major challenge facing us will be finding a way to be to be able to meet executive bonuses.”

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