SENATOR LARRY CRIAG TO ENTER REHABILITATION FOR RESTESS LEG SYNDROME

by R J Shulman

BOISE, Id - Senator Larry Craig announced today that he will begin treatment for restless leg syndrome or RLS. "It was hard to admit," he said to a few of his supporters gathered in front of his Idaho office, "but I suffer from RLS, which would kick into high gear whenever I would sit down in a public toilet causing my leg to tap wildly." The Senator also stated that he will get treatment for GHS or groping hand syndrome, sometimes associated with the more well known RLS.

"I reiterate that I am not gay," Craig said. "The truth is that I did not enjoy it at all when that horrible man shoved his erect blord into my pulsating grultice. In fact with every thrust, I told him "I am not gay, I am not gaaaay! And when he pulled on my throbbing snordle, I told him, I've never been gay, oh God, I've never been gay."

BUSH ON KATRINA ANNIVERSARY: NO ONE KNEW THE LEVIES WOULD STILL BE BROKEN TWO YEARS LATER

by R J Shulman

NEW ORLEANS, La - Vowing continued support, the President said that help was on the way for a city still reeling from the effects of Hurricane Katrina, even if the help had to go through Iraq first. "I can report some progress for the families of New Orleans," Bush said, "Karl Rove and Alfredo Gonzales will be spending more time with their families and you can tell your families that Senator Larry Craig is not gay."

The President, who said that no one could have known the levies would still be broken, was unsure of when the levies would be repaired. "Rest assuredly," he said, "we will fight the hurricanes over here in New Orleans so they don't follow us home to Washington because the oceans no longer protect us from the OBGYNs who practice their love on women all across this great land of ours." "With this speech, the President ," said Presdential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "has shown true leadership and a clear plan for New Orleans."

ALBERTO GONZALES RESIGNS; BUSH APPOINTS MICHAEL VICK AS NEW AG

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will step down according to a letter of resignation he sent to President Bush on Friday. "The Attoreny General's resignation has nothing to do with his run-ins with the highly partisan Democrats in congress regarding his support of wire tapping and torture," said a White House Spokesperson, "Alberto resigned so he could spend more time torturing his family."

Gonzales' resignation comes after a number of high profile Republicans have aslo resigned. "This should be of no surprise," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "as all these Republicans resigning to spend more time with their families is just a reflection that the GOP is the party of family values."

"The biggenst problem facing Gonzales," said an unnamed source in the Justice Department, "is that Alberto can't seem to remember where his family lives or even who they are." "I have complete confidence in Alberto," said President Bushe from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, "as Alberto is a real confidence man."

The President then named former NFL star Quarterback Michael Vick to replace Gonzales. "I heard he needed a job," quipped the President, "Michael is the right choice because there is going to be a heck of a dog fight with this here Democrat Congress."

PRESIDENT BUSH: I'M THE DECIDER WHEN IT COMES TO COMPARING IRAQ TO VIET NAM

by R J. Shulman

KANSAS CITY, M0 - President Bush told a crowd at the Veterans of Foreign War convention that as the commader guy, only he could decide when the time was right to compare the confict in Iraq with the Viet Nam war. "Those name-calling cut and run Democrats have tried in the past to say the Iraq war was just like the quag and the mire we got into in Viet Nam. But, me and not them is the decider when it comes to making comparasations between the wars of now and the war lessons of past history."

"Now is the time to say that those wars are the same," he continued, "because if we pull out now, Iraq will be turned into a killing field of suicide boat people with explosions, just like in Viet Nam when we left before the mission was done." When a veteran asked how the Presdent would know anything about the Viet Nam War as he didn't serve, Bush answered, "I beg to differentiate as during that time of war, I got bombed often and took a few major hits that sent the frat house spinning around me if you know what I mean."

CIA PREDICTS TERRORIST ATTACK ON SEPTEMBER 11TH: WARNING ON THAT DAY THE ADMINISTRATION WILL RELEASE PATRAEUS REPORT

by R J Shulman

Washington - In a story leaked to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, an unnammed CIA spokesman said that the Patreous Report, which will actually be written by the Bush administration, will be released to congress. "The report will terrorize the American people," the spokesman said, "by saying that if we don't keep fighting them over there in Iraq, they will come over here." "It will say that ocean's no longer protect us, and that terrorist will marry our sisters."

"The worst thing is that this terror will be spread by the media," said senior analyst Charles Franklin, "so no American will be safe from this increase in terror." "The only thing we have to fear," said President Bush "is the lack of fear itself."

MICHAEL VICK CLAIMS MEDIA TREATED HIM LIKE A DOG

by R J Shulman

RICHMOND, VA. - Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who has agreed to plead guilty to federal conspiracy charges involving illegal dog fighting, told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch that the media were like bulldogs who "dogged me down until I had to turn tail and run for cover." "I have no idea what I did wrong,"Vick said, "but the next thing you know everybody is saying 'no' and that I'm some kind of bad boy."

"The worst were those PETA people," said Vick, "they are downright viscious." Asked why he thinks his alleged connection to illegal dog fighting has gotten so much press, Vick shook his head and said, "they must really be hungry for news and just needed something to sink their teeth into." "All I can say," concluded Vick, "is that this whole mess has made me dog tired."

GENERAL PATRAEUS NOT PATRAEUS ENOUGH TO WRITE PATRAEUS REPORT
by R J Shulman

Bush takes back medal of honor given to General David Patraeus

WASHINGTON - The Bush Aministration announced that the long awaited report from General David Patraeus to Congress and the American people regarding the success of the surge of US forces in Iraq, will not be written by the General, but by President Bush. "The general must have listened to to much of the liberal media," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "as he failed to report all the good news and progress in Iraq, so the President has taken charge and written the report himself." "The Bush Administration has been concerned with the Congress interfering with the wonderful progress being made by our troops in Iraq," continued Snow.

"We don't want our generals with their feet on the ground being told what to do by Washington politicians, "said the President, "except of course, for me, being the commander, decider guy and all." "We are quite concerned that General Patraeus's self written report would give comfort to the enemy," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "so you could say that General Patreous' ability to write reports is in its final throes."

BUSH ADMINISTRATION TO DONATE RECALLED CHINESE TOYS TO KATRINA SURVIVORS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - In a move to show his support for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush announced that he has ordered toy manufacturer Mattel and others to send their recalled toys to children who were rendered homeless in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. "Rather than have these toys sent back to China where poor starving Chinese kids might eat them, I have commanded that the toys be sent to the Katrina folks so they could be eaten by the little American children who are homeless or are now getting sick in the FEMA trailers. It would give them something positive to look forward at."

"Since most of these poor children had nothing left," said Barbara Bush as she visited a displaced family living in an abandoned car outside Slidell, Lousiana, "so this will work out rather well for them."

Walmart, who sells the majority of the recalled toys is pleased. "At least we don't have to pay for the shipping back to China," said Ted Marlton, a senior Walmart manager. Walmart stock has rebounded after the market had initially been concerned that the toy recall could cause a loss of profits for Walmart.

RECENT MINING DISASTERS PROMPTS BUSH ADMINISTRATION TO PUSH FOR TOUGHER BUNKER SAFETY STANDARDS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - The recent coal mining accidents in Utah and Kentucky have prompted the Bush Administration to call on Congress to toughen the safety regulations regarding underground bunkers. "We don't want to have those cavernous cave kind of cave-ins to happen to our bunkers," said President Bush, "especially since Dick Cheney does his best thinking from those underground bunkers that are built under the ground."

"If the legislature acts like they should and passes this law," said Cheney, "bunker cave-ins will be in their final throes." The legislation is supported by soon to resign Senior Presidential Advisor Karl Rove. "I am happy the bunkers will be safer as I may have to spend alot of time down there."

The bill that will be sponsored by several Republicans, diverts money that was going to be used on coal mine safety to study and enhance bunker safety instead. "That way," said an unnamed White House spokesperson, "we don't have to use more of the people's tax money for this project."

KARL ROVE'S FAMILY BEGS HIM NOT TO RESIGN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Karl Rove announced that he will resign his position as President Bush's advisor after 6 and a half years to spend "more time with my family. And to avoid," said Rove, "being interrupted by W asking dumb questions like how to spell apocalypse."

However, in an exclusive to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, Rove's wife Darcy said she has begged Karl to keep his job. "I don't know what I'd do if I have to deal with that round faced little porker 24/7." "I told daddy dear that rather than torture Ma and me," said Rove's son Andrew, 19, "that there are plenty of elections to steal and dirty tricks to be performed."

The President had no comment but was heard wandering the White House corridors whistling a tune from the Wizard of Oz. "I think it was 'If I Only Had a Brain," said an unnamed spokesman.

GONZALES REASSURES THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ABOUT NEW WIRETAPPING AUTHORITHY: DON'T WORRY, I WON'T REMEMBER WHAT I'LL OVERHEAR

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - In a move to try and calm fears that the new warrentless wiretapping that Congress has granted the Administration, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who will spearhead the new spying program, said that no American should worry about what Gonzales might learn from spying as he has a "serious memory problem." "I couldn't even remember why I fired those federal prosecutors," he said to reporters today, "so there is little chance I would recal anything I might hear when I listen in to anyone's phone call."

"He won't even remember who he has authorized us to spy on," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "so we will just have to spy on everyone to make sure we cover the person Alberto thought he had some suspicions about."

NEW STUDY: MINNESOTA BRIDGE COLLAPSE DUE TO GAYS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - In a report that will be released tomorrow, the National Transportation and Safety Board has determined that the tragic I35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis was caused by too much gayness. "Contrary to speculations," said newly named NTSB Chairman Winston Faircloth, "there was not a failure of infrastructre but a failure of certain people to live a righteous life." Faircoth, who until last month was head of the Gadsten Alabama First Evangelical Churh of the Blood of a Righteous Christ until tapped by President Bush to head the NTSB, said, "our studies prove that the bridge fell due to the Gay Agenda which has taken over the whole Democratic party who are now more interested in passing laws about gay marriage than about fixing bridges."

The 300 page report mentioned that gays generally shun construction jobs and would rather style hair than fix bridges. The report also cited that ten percent of the traffic on the bridge were gays and that there was ten percent too much weight on the bridge which helped cause the collaplse.

"If those that have made the sinful lifestyle choice just stopped being gay," Faircloth concluded, "all Americans could once again feel secure that when they started to cross a bridge, they would get to the other side."

SENATE VOTES TO WIDEN ADMINISTRATION POWERS TO FIGHT TERRORISM BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - Sixteen Democratic Senators and Independent Joe Lieberman joined all 43 Republicans in passing President Bush's bill that would allow the Administration to do anything it "feels" like to win the war on terror. "This would include necessary tools such as warrantless wire-tapping, torture, invading defenseless countries and my favorite," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "shooting friends in the face."

"After a day of clearing terrorist brush from my ranch," said President Bush, "this new legication will allow me to watch our brave troops pull the arms and legs off of terror suspects." "The President will use a singing statement," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "to make the laws retroactive, so that Democrat terrorist sympathizers will not be able to claim that anything this administration has done was illegal."

Civil rights and Constitutional watchdog groups have voiced strong opposition to this new law. "I just don't get it," said Caroline Fredrickson of the American Civil Liberties Union before she was shoved into an unmarked black limosine by five dark-suited men in sunglasses, "whenever the President says 'terrorism,' Congress rolls over and plays dead."

Several sources said that the Democrats voted for this bill because the President threatened to hold Congress into their summer recess. "They really value their vacation time," said one unnamed Congressional source. "It didn't hurt," said Senior Presidential advisor Karl Rove, "that I just happend to have a few personal pictures of what some of those Democrats did on their last vacation."